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Jan 05 2013

Caption Contest

Schumer Hammer

Leave a comment providing the winning caption to the picture of Chucky Schmucky and win a free t-shirt, suitable for any formal occasion, courtesy of the esteemed countermoonbats at Party Crasher.

The winner will be announced Monday. Free shirts need to be claimed within a week (i.e., I need a US mailing address). T-shirts for the contest are available in blue L or XL only, although white shirts and other sizes are available directly from Party Crasher, along with an excellent selection of other t-shirts guaranteed to cause moonbats to sputter with impotent rage. Some are currently on sale for only $6.

On a suggestion from Ummah Gummah.

  • C. S. P. Schofield

    “Give a small boy a hammer and suddenly everything will look like a nail”

    Give a Democrat the power to tax……

  • Hammers are responsible for deaths and building ghettoes. We must ban them!

  • Cameraman

    I got my Hammer, I need the to Nail this AWB ..whos got My Sickle ?

  • Big Al

    This hammer goes well with my sickle.

  • big-pete

    When all the government has is a hammer, every citizen looks like a nail.

  • -sepp

    “Just hit yourself in the head with this a few times and you’ll be able to think like a Democrat too”

  • Cameraman

    Folks this is a High Capacity Ak -47 Hammer, it Must be on the List!

  • starkness

    “I double dare you to take this hammer out of my hand and shove it where the sun don’t shine!

    “OK, I’m glad to grant your every wish Senator”

  • big-pete

    Hammer, meet Head.

  • HarleyBob

    Stand back or I’ll beat myself in the head with this hammer!

  • big-pete

    Democrat Senator Chuck Schumer revels his preferred tool to help pound home the progressive agenda.

  • Stan Back

    Having never worked a real job in my life could you tell what this shiny silver thing is for?

  • Randy Schreiner

    chucky’s silver hammer smashed upon his head

  • Everybody STAND BACK, or the idiot ‘gets it!’

  • Jesus was Jewish carpenter too, clingers

  • Jim

    “My name is Thor, and I’m here from the government to help you.”

  • Frank

    “I’m smarter than this hammer – you’d need a whole boxful to equal my intelligence” …

  • Bloodless Coup

    “If I had a hammer, I’d hammer in the morning,I’d hammer in the evening all over this land.”

    Peter, Paul & Mary

  • Bloodless Coup

    “Bang, bang Maxwell Silver Hammer came down upon her head. Bang, bang Maxwell Silver Hammer made sure that they were dead.”

    The Beatles

  • Bloodless Coup

    “When the only tool that you have is hammer, every problem you encounter becomes a nail.”

    A Strange Modern Proverb Is Taken Out Of Context

  • rex freeway

    This is the next thing we are going to outlaw in America. And i remember a bully shot me in the eye with a rubber band once. They’re next!

  • rex freeway

    I became a crooked politician because i kept hitting my fingers with one of these.

  • WTSherman1864

    Glocks like this one I am holding are dangerous assault rifles!!

  • WTSherman1864

    We’re both useful tools for the Left!

  • ViviLiberoOMuori

    These kill 50% more people every year than rifles. Logically, we must ban RIFLES.

  • Bill T

    With shovel ready jobs we conned the tax payers out of $831 billion, how much do you think we can get using one of these?

  • Canis lupus

    Whats this?

    Its looks dangerous.

    Lets ban it.

  • wingmann

    Where did you say that Constitution is located?

  • “If Americans had a hammer…I’d BAN it in the morning…I’d BAN it in the evening…all over this land!”

  • Papa Bear

    Chuck Schumer personally taps his successor in a press conference held this morning in Washington DC. . .

  • Chuckles the clown says:

    “I wonder if these have been banned in DC yet? Maybe we should submit a bill to limit these to 10 ounces only!

  • shooter john

    Anybody want to ram this up my ass?

  • “Does this hammer match my pink shirt and rainbow lanyard?

  • Spider

    “Gee, i keep hitting myself with this hammer but i’m still a liberal”. — Chuck (lens-lice) Schumer

  • Dr. 9

    “Even though i keep trying, hitting yourself in the head with a hammer can not eliminate leftist thoughts…”

  • Ghost of FA Hayek

    “So you’re tired of getting screwed” ?

  • Kyoshi71

    “…This is my hammer, this is my gun. Check out my hairline, it’s pretty much done.”

  • mimi


  • Tempus Fugit

    I just want you to know that I got the government a special deal on these hammers. Just ten grand a piece.

  • Brian_Boru

    Hammer: A tool consisting of a solid head, usually made of metal.

    Schumer: A tool consisting of a solid head, usually made of metal.

  • jim

    I’ll beat sense into those Second Amendment advocates

  • Kyle

    Since assault rifles are banned in DC, this is what I must use on people who get between me and a camera.

  • Shooter1001

    They told me to “go stroke your hammer”!

  • Shooter1001

    He holds it like a girl.

  • Shooter1001

    “Let me show you. Imagine constituents that ask questions are nails…”

  • Shooter1001

    Better put it down Chuck, two uniformed guys are behind you!

  • Shooter1001

    Gees Chuckie, its only a little dog.

  • dapenguin

    and some of these even have clips attached to hold extra nails.

  • Joe

    My God, he’s holding a weapon even far more dangerous than the riffle according to the FBI! Quick ban it!

  • Shooter1001

    You’re over dressed for the carpentry job, Chuck.

  • dapenguin

    and not only this one, but some of them are small enough to conceal in a purse or fanny pack

  • Shooter1001

    Its a new secret weapon. It’s so advanced there are no moving parts!

  • Shooter1001

    I’m really, really, really very angry. I’ll use this Kalishnakov.

  • Shooter1001

    How much are you charging your Senate expense account for the hammer Chuck, $500?

  • Shooter1001

    I didn’t see that ring on at the bar last night, Chuck?

  • Ummah Gummah


    Hammer Time, baby!


  • Ummah Gummah


    This here hammer says I’ve got a better tan than Boehner!


  • facebkwallflower

    “If they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a hammer.”

  • Ummah Gummah


    Steven Crowder? You better GIT! I swear I’ll whack ya!


  • Ummah Gummah


    ( Am I holding it right? I feel kind of ridiculous with this hammer in my hand. And why do I get the feeling this is gonna end up as fodder for a caption contest on some Conservative website? )


  • big-pete

    Assault magazines such as this MUST be band!…What?…What’s a hammer?

  • Tatersalad

    Barack Obama gives our tax money to Egypt which is controlled by the Muslim Brotherhood which is Sharia compliant. Now the administration and liberals are trying to take away our only protection from this happening……….our guns!

  • Jodie

    “You republicans, get in the back seat!”

  • wth

    “Now wouldn’t you all rather receive a gubmint check than ever have to use one of these?”

  • Marian

    I’ll hammer your ass if you don’t hand over your guns.

  • Jodie

    Some folks call it a hammer, I call it a Kaiser blade. uh huh.

  • big-pete

    I hold in my hand the solution to all of our problems.

  • Ken

    “No one needs an assault hammer like this for duck hunting! If we can save just one child by banning assault hammers…”

  • wth

    “Enforce our border? Nah. We just hand out one of these to everybody heading north.”

  • TED

    “I’ve smaked my head all day with this and I still don’t understand this Constitution thing!?”

  • Steve

    Fox News John Stossel has an outstanding documentary – Illegal Everything in America:

  • Joe

    Useful tool, meet useless tool.

  • Silberfuchs

    Hammers don’t kill people, people with hammers kill people without guns..

  • falconsword

    “I know more people are killed by hammers each year than semi-automatic rifles (that looks scary), but we can’t figure out how to ban assault-hammers, so here we go!”

  • Elizabeth

    In life, you’re either the hammer or the nail. I’m a hammer. Except when I’m nailing the American public.

  • Ummah Gummah


    Good God, am I glad I don’t have to hold one of these every day, all day long like those taxpaying schlubs..


  • Dave

    I wonder if i smash my own head in, if i would get charged with useing a assult weapon?

  • Sinecure

    Comrades! We must outlaw pistol grips on these things!

  • big-pete

    This should make short work of that constitution.

  • VunderBob

    Hell yeah, we’ll confiscate the hammers, too. If the little people are not working anyway, why do they need them?

  • Len

    Alright, I’ll give you three guesses on my proposed new national flag design…..

  • Len

    A moment please, while I pull this sickle out of my ass.

  • Sufo56

    Go ahead! Call me Little Big Gulp again!!!

  • DaveJ

    “If it ain’t broke yet, I can fix that!”

  • HyacinthClare

    I don’t have a suggestion. I want to vote for Mimi’s!!

  • TheRPSteve

    If You Want to Make an Omelet, You Must Be Willing to Break a Few Eggs

  • “If you are as dumb as one of these, you too can be a Democrat!”

  • Joe

    Can you guess which of these is smarter?

  • Brian

    Mom! Uncle Chuck is playing with his tool again.

  • TrojanMan

    CHUCK SHUMER here for the handy dandy country killer!!! In just 3 easy swings we can send the greatest country on earth into a third world hell hole. And if you call right now! Ill double the order the order and have overlord Obama ban everything that we think is bad for you! Dont delay CALL NOW!!!

    Taxpayer funded payments only. Void where we say its prohibited! 1-800-FU-CHUCK

  • Bob Roberts

    “I would urge my Republican colleagues no matter how strongly they feel; you know we have three branches of government. We have a House; we have a Senate; we have a hammer.”

  • dabsdog

    I don’t need no stinking gun!

  • “The next time I have to come in here I’m crackin’ skulls.”

  • Contessa61

    I’m going to use this to punch holes through the constitution.

  • “No one except the elites security details need to have an 16oz soda… ah I mean a 16 round clip…ah I mean (hey aide what the hell is this)?

  • Randog

    -Get em while they’re hot! Only $500 each!
    -These aren’t protected by the Second Amendment, and the government will take every one of them!
    -Proof that big government built this!
    -There is no way these harmless things killed more people than rifles last year!

  • Randog

    Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the dumbest tool of all?

  • Joe Gunter

    This hammer is an assault hammer – steel handle and combat grip. Who really needs a hammer like this to drive nails? Ban them!

  • LANMaster

    Wow … I am so hammered right now.

  • Depwavid

    Liberalism: a man hitting self in head with hammer because it feels so good when he stops.

    Oh, wait, we never stop: we’re moonbats!

  • Depwavid

    One’s just a little smarter than the other…

  • lshep-tx – the real Blunt instrument libs would like to ban.

    Yes, I’m sucking up.

  • Leonard Jones

    If I had a hammer

  • SNuss

    One of these is a mindless, simple, tool, and the other is used to drive nails.

  • numnut

    The secret underground bunker/tunnel system is now completed,this is what’s gonna happen to you common folk.

  • Rotofur

    Going to hammer thru gun legislation with my assault hammer!!!

  • jc14

    Hmmm! Wonder what would happen if I smacked myself on the head with this . . . What the hell do you call this thing, anyway?
    Hammer? Oh! Let’s give ‘er a try — WHACK!
    Okay, no damage. Nothing in there to harm . . .
    Well, back to work in the . . .
    Where the hell is it I work, anyway?
    Ah, fuhgetaboutit . . .

  • jc14

    “Useless fool with a tool.”

  • VunderBob

    By Grabthar’s Hammer, we’re coming for your money AND your guns!

  • Tom Chase

    “Hammers have been used for the over development of houses in New York. It is time for serious hammer control”.

  • Pontotoc Bill

    This is my hammer,
    You get NO gun,
    One is for work,
    The other is gone.

    No Tool Chuckie strikes again.

  • “I don’t know what this thing is because I’ve never had to use one in my privileged life, but it sure looks good in a photo-op.”

  • Ummah Gummah


    A tool holding a tool,
    Only one of them is a fool.


  • Ummah Gummah


    Wasn’t there supposed to be a sickle to go with this hammer?


  • james pierce

    only I … can put this in safe hands

  • Shooter1001
  • Ummah Gummah


    Boehner better release those Superstorm funds or I’ll have to get nasty!


  • Uhhh, how does this thing work again?

  • G. Fox

    The 2nd Amendment was written specifically to protect us from tyrannical ‘hammerhead’ politicians!

  • mimi

    weapons of mass construction!

  • Shout out to Henry Bowman
    Stand back, I’ve got me!

  • justme

    Chuck Schumer endorses his hair plug installation device: “If it works for Chuck the Schmuck, it’ll work for you.”

  • Ummah Gummah


    “Is it safe?”

    – with a nod to The Marathon Man


  • coal power

    trying desperately to follow in the footsteps of his man crush Ted Kennedy, Chucky decides to get “hammered”. Next time opt for the Oldsmobile Chuckles

  • Observer

    When they come for the Jews that aint gonna help you much.

  • Tom

    Most politicians will take everything that’s not nailed down, this guy’s ready to take everything.

  • Rob

    Here, we see Chucky holding a citizen that voted for him.

  • Carrstone

    No need for a gun! Get up close and personal, it’s the democratic way.

  • Burrow Owl


    The peasants are revolting!

  • Germanius

    “assault hammers”? Oohh, “ASSAULT Hammers”.

  • Germanius


    (p.s. my vote goes to shooter john at 12:32 yesterday)

  • Shooter1001

    Where’s the damn instruction manual?

  • Jodie

    Vote democrat and you’ll never again be forced to use one of these again. The republicans want to keep you hammering nails into wood to fasten your chains to!

  • Shooter1001

    Jimmy Carter taught me how to use this.

  • Shooter1001

    Are you sure you play the xylophone with this?

  • Shooter1001

    I love breaking people’s walnuts!

  • Shooter1001

    How’s it look? I polished my hammer for hours.

  • Shooter1001

    Hammer, hammer, about to fall
    Who’s the biggest schmuck of them all?

  • Shooter1001

    OK, driving nails. I got it, got it. Now, tell me what the other side is used for?
    Muslim earwax remover?

  • Shooter1001

    Gimme the money or I’ll shoot!

  • TWS

    Based on government statistics, we have reclassified this as a destructive device avalible only to to license holders with a background check. The background check will be processed in a timely twenty four months and cost a modest fee of $1900 plus processing costs.

    We know this is a slight inconvenience but it is for the children.

  • This is my Hammer. There are many like it, but this one is banned.

    And for your own good, so is yours. You’re welcome, serfs.

  • Roy in Illinois, for which I apologize

    And you thought _I_ was a tool.

  • 762×51

    And after he hit me on the head many, many times, with a hammer, I had to give up my gun, I have kids.

  • Sam Adams

    Now some people reportedly use this tool to make money. By placing a small “hit” counter on this thing, we will be able to assess a “hit” tax which will solve our fiscal problems. We are only asking for the employed to give a little bit more.

  • Sam Adams

    Whaddya mean, use the head to hit the nail?

  • Sam Adams

    No one needs a hammer with an extended shank like this one.

  • Alphamail

    I am Comrade Schumer, the voice of the Bourgeoisie,
    And this is Marx my hammer, who damns the fact you think you’re free.

    You’re the Proletariat – you no longer have a voice.
    Marx will knock you on your ass if you believe you have a choice.

    Marx says hope and freedom, are his and are not alive –
    They’re cold inside a coffin, and he has but one more nail to drive.

  • SNuss

    “You Bastard!”

    Schumer on Trial

    The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard.” The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.” The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You God-damned bastard.” The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?” The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “For fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

  • SNuss

    Which head has a higher I.Q.?

  • SNuss

    BTW, the curved end works well for cleaning the cling-ons out of my ass-crack

  • Andrew

    “OK, so where is this constitution I keep hearing about?”

  • The Machine

    “Because it feels so good when I stop.”

  • Miz Barkee

    “With this hammer I will drive the last nail into the American economy and will successfully blame the republicans!”

  • Rich

    Note the black Delta Force rubberized assault handle grip with evil holes. Note too the evil flared Seal aerodynamic assault shaft. Lastly, note the mil-spec killer head with rabbit site. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the viscous assault hammer. It has only one use … to kill. And I tell you that anyone can walk into any hardware store in this great nation and buy one. But more than that, they can buy as many assault hammers as they wish! And I ask you, why would anyone want not just one, but multiples of this killer? The answer! There is no sane reason to do so. And thus, ladies and gentlemen, this is why I whole heartedly support the proposed assault hammer ban.

  • Shooter1001

    Charles, The Hammer

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