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Feb 01 2013

Use the Proper Scissors When Warding Off Gun-Wielding Maniacs

I knew there had to be some reason we have been shoveling hundreds of $billions down Janet “Big Sis” Napolitano’s alternately menacing and farcical Department of Homeland Security. Here DHS helpfully reveals that even though maniacs will always find access to guns, we don’t need guns to defend ourselves from them, because we can hide under our desks or attack the maniacs with scissors:

A public service announcement at The People’s Cube clarifies that we little people cannot be trusted with dangerous assault scissors, but should only defend ourselves from frenzied gun-wielding killers using government-approved scissors:

assault scissors


government-approved-scissors

Government agents, journalists, actors, and other members of the liberal ruling class will of course continue to be protected with guns, because their lives unlike ours are not expendable.

On tips from Sean C, Dr. 9, Dean D, Oleg, and facebkwallflower. Hat tips: Off the Facebk Wall, Bluebird of Bitterness.

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  • Jester

    Surprisingly, the video isn’t half bad… for sheeple & those who want to remain sheeple, that is.

    How about changing “Decide whether it’s best to evacuate or hide” to “Decide whether it’s best to evacuate, hide, or kill the motherf**ker”.

    I know, I know. Nevermind.

  • Flu-Bird

    No one told her about running with stupidity

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  • Maudie N Mandeville

    Remember to stab it in the base of the skull, twist scissors then insert vacuum hose.

  • Ghost of FA Hayek

    And when these authoritarians decide to come for our scissors, there is always rock and paper.

  • IslandLifer

    I’ve been practicing the art of scissor throwing from 25-50 ft away. This will enable me to get close enough to the shooter, after doing a scream/move/cover technique, allowing me to render the shooter useless with a direct side thrown forward spinning scissor thrust which would land directly in his ear hole.

  • justme

    When scissors are made criminal, only criminals will have scissors.

    What a terrible message we teach our children that it is OKAY to bring concealed weapons with them to arts and crafts. How Many Children Must DIE before the scourge of scissors ends? I cannot believe the wanton recklessness of DHS in instructing every kindergartener in the use of scissors as deadly weapons. Is nothing sacred?

  • Ghost of FA Hayek

    I figure I will donate my scissors to the coroner so he can cut the excess zip tie from the zombie’s toe tag

  • gemalo

    How the hell much did that B.S. cost us? DHS needs to be abolished.

  • IslandLifer

    But then again I’d prefer to stick with my constitutional rights…
    http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=OQnU1t7UzgM

  • Flu-Bird

    In the Hitchcock movie DAIL M FOR MURDER a women stabs the guy witha pair of scizors

  • Beef

    Just remember, running with scissors can be very dangerous.

  • Marmo

    We should outlaw those scissors that have that shoulder thing that goes up. Those are the worst.

  • Skyfall

    It’s so funny here in So Cal. Gangs run rampant, are armed to the teeth (and quite a few DO have fully…FULLY…automatic weapons), they kill, they intimidate, they shoot innocent bystanders, everyone and their brother know who they are, where they live, what they do…AND NO ONE DOES A THING.

    These are super-thugs, the lowest of the low, yet there is no push to break the gangs, no wholesale round-up of them, no Presidential edict saying “end this now”, no Congress-critters introducing legislation to stomp them into oblivion…

    …nope. They just want to come after law-abiding citizen’s rights and ability to defend themselves. “You should run, hide, plead, beg, kneel, whimper and if all else fails, stab yourself to death with some scissors so you won’t have to face what the killer will do to you”.

    Bad guys aren’t intimidated about using whatever firepower they have, but good guys have to think while pulling the trigger “Am I in the right? Will I get into trouble?”, and that is called “hesitation” and that is the difference between living and being a victim.

    The progressives mean us harm.

  • Artfldgr

    what if you just used half of one, and made it much larger? kind of like a sword, but its still a scissor.

    you know people will start carrying nasty ones soon, and referring to the advice as a defense…

  • Jimbo

    I know of a guy whose home was invaded. He couldn’t run, didn’t have a desk to hide under, the scissors were lost – so he shot the worthless SOB.

  • Sam Adams

    Maudie N Mandeville says:
    February 1, 2013 at 3:49 pm

    Remember to stab it in the base of the skull, twist scissors then insert vacuum hose.
    ____________

    Helps if you can get the perp to turn around.

  • Sam Adams

    Skyfall says:
    February 1, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    It’s so funny here in So Cal. Gangs run rampant, are armed to the teeth (and quite a few DO have fully…FULLY…automatic weapons), they kill, they intimidate, they shoot innocent bystanders, everyone and their brother know who they are, where they live, what they do…AND NO ONE DOES A THING.
    ___________

    When gangs vote, they vote democrat.

    They should start posting signs:
    “Attention Criminals: Victims at this location have been disarmed for your convenience.”

  • Toa

    Where, oh where would we be without “Liberals” to tell us what an “active shooter” is…??????

    You sure gotta love the way our Betters are so diligent in trying to coerce their cowardice and helplessness on the rest of us. They just CAN’T STAND the thought of patriotic Americans who don’t find the need to hide behind Big Sis’ skirt every time some difficulty presents itself. But like Skyfall says, they’re fine with minority gangs being armed and “self-reliant”.

  • Bloodless Coup

    Yes, sadly our Government really does think you’re that stupid.

    Are you?

    “On Friday, a district court in California issued a notice of default on Barack Hussein Obama for the president’s lack of response to a plaintiff’s birther allegations. The U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of California ruled that Obama had until Jan. 25, 2013 to respond to allegations that he had submitted fake IDs and forged documents in order to run for political office.”

    http://www.examiner.com/article/obama-gets-notice-of-default-calif-court-over-forgery-allegations

  • http://huh? 70Stage1

    Then I’ll wait for the “scissor buy back” from the Government. I’ve got about 50 pair laying around my house. I’ll make a killing.

    That Napolitano is about as sharp as a bowling ball.

  • tucsondon

    You have to admit, those Fiskars ARE super scary looking!

  • Katya Kakhov

    It might seem like shear insanity , but I think the idea is to hide under your desk with your scissors and leap out screaming ” CUT IT OUT !”

    Just remember this ,walk, do not run with them , and it is your responsibility to keep in proper combat trim at all times . .

  • Cameraman

    This is so GD stupid I can”t even Comment!

  • Rob Griffin

    Consider yourselves fortunate that you are able to deride this video. Since Australia was disarmed by John Howard, victims are not even allowed to defend themselves with scissors. It is “against the law”, all the victim is allowed to do is try to run away.

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