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Feb 02 2013

Caption Contest


Leave a comment providing the winning caption to the picture above of Obama’s idea of a Defense Secretary and win a free t-shirt, suitable for any formal occasion, courtesy of the esteemed countermoonbats at Party Crasher.

The winner will be announced Monday. Free shirts need to be claimed within a week (i.e., I need a US mailing address). T-shirts for the contest are available in blue L or XL only, although white shirts and other sizes are available directly from Party Crasher, along with an excellent selection of other t-shirts guaranteed to cause moonbats to sputter with impotent rage.

  • Shooter1001

    The nameplate in front of you Senator…you can use that as a reference.

  • Big Al

    “What is with all these lights? How do you expect me to see or not see my shadow? Of course there will be at least six more weeks of confusion and obfuscation.”

  • Shooter1001

    I think I was in the Army. No, the Navy! The one with the boats and the water.

  • Jim

    What, me worry?

  • Shooter1001

    Me and Bobby, that Latino dude from NJ were out partying last night. Man, he’s a real chick magnet!

  • Shooter1001

    Yeah, I can type over 50WPM. Its a secretary’s job ain’t it?

  • Shooter1001

    Sen. McCain: Let the record show that the Senator refuses to answer.
    Sen. Hagel: I have 5th Amendment rights too you know!

  • junkyard infidel

    “I solemnly swear on the book of Alinsky to tell the truth!”

  • Shooter1001

    I played defense in high School, that counts right?

  • Does this mean we aren’t doing lunch?

  • marcus tullius cicero


  • Backbone 76

    “I, uh,…..I did not have, uh, sickening slaughter……with that woman.”

  • Shooter1001

    I’m confused, what was the question?

  • G.Fox

    I can not brain today……I has the dumb.

  • Backbone 76

    Senator Hagel, would you please provide members of this committee with a courtesy flush?

  • Stu Gotts

    “Who am I? Why am I here?”

  • Jodie

    C’mon guys. What is victory? What is defeat? See, you don’t know. Let’s move on.

  • Conan

    “What difference does it make, let’s move on!”

  • d soto

    If there aint vodka in that water im gonna be pissed

  • Shooter1001

    I’m strongly in favor of gays in the military. We should also allow them in the Army and the Navy. And the blue one too.

  • smokeclay

    I packed the eggs on top so they won’t get damaged on your trip home, “Thank you for shopping at……”

  • Shooter1001

    Yes Senator Graham, I’m a major supporter of Israel. Why, even back in Nebraska I was a member of the Shalom Swine Association and made many trips to both Egypt and Israel promoting ‘Peace with Pork’.

  • big-pete

    What difference do I make?

  • Sam Adams

    Just because you are elected to high office doesn’t mean that you are smart.

  • Sam Adams

    No, Barack hasn’t told me how much he would be paying me yet.

  • Sam Adams

    Not enough intellectual power to light a 5 watt bulb.

  • Sam Adams

    Yes, Barack believes in affirmative action. That’s why I’m here.

  • Sam Adams

    Yes, I have some experience with alien abductions. It was a dark night some years ago…..

  • Ummah Gummah


    LOL @ Sam Adams!


  • Sam Adams

    My main goal as Secretary of Defense is to improve my handicap.

  • Ummah Gummah


    What difference does it make, you GOPuzziez? You know as well as I do that this is a big giant farce and that you will confirm me in the end.

    Any idea what the media will do to you if you don’t?


  • Ummah Gummah


    You have to confirm me. The President is desperately looking for a golfing buddies who plays even worse than he does.


  • Sam Adams

    No, I don’t think that my having been elected as a republican is the reason that Barack choose me to be part of his bipartisan administration.

  • Sam Adams

    Ummah Gummah says:
    February 2, 2013 at 11:37 am


    You have to confirm me. The President is desperately looking for a golfing buddies who plays even worse than he does.

    Senator Hagel; the Secretary who shanks to the left.

  • Ummah Gummah


    What do you mean the bags under my eyes are bigger than Jim Lehrer’s?


  • Jodie

    Hey, Obama called me and asked me if I wanted da position a week before he told Panetta dat he was being replaced.

  • Ummah Gummah


    Of course the bags under my eyes are bigger than Jim Lehrer’s! I’m more liberal than he is. D-uh!


  • Shooter1001

    Can I get some Red Bull man? That Bobby M. from NJ can sure party. Lots of crazy chica babes that took this good ol’ country boy places he ain’t never been.

  • big-pete

    I told President Obama when he asked me to be the Secretary of Defense that I could hardly type and I’ve never even met this Defense guy.

  • Shooter1001

    Why do I want this job? Hmmm…we didn’t cover that in the prep.

  • Sweep the leg

    In which context do you wish for me to describe the meaning of the word “context”? I’d have to know the entire context before I could match that context with the context I was contextually using. Thank you.

  • big-pete

    My first priority as SecDef will be to reduce our Marine presence in Guam.

  • Bloodless Coup
  • geno

    You don’t have to remember, Senator. Just do as I say. We’re putting a call in to your office. Explain that you decided to spend the night at Michael Corleone’s house in Tahoe, as his guest.

  • BobR


  • IslandLifer

    Next up for bid item C4. This ladies and gents is a traitorous sack of lying shit who hates America and Israel but loves the murderous radical muslims. This one comes with the full endorsement of Iran. SOLD to the American people who have now been sold out due to their recent purchase of BO and Kerry. Enjoy your next 4 years!

  • Shooter1001

    How many sides does a pentagon have Senator?

  • BobR

    This should be easy because Barry is ending the war…
    I’ll be out of a job soon anyway.

  • docstew

    “Gimme true/false! I’m better at true/false!”

  • SNuss

    “Who am I, and what am I doing here?”

  • bad actor

    “I know nothink!” (in his best (Hogan’s Heroes) Sgt Schultz German accent).

  • Brian_Boru

    That Preparation H is just now kicking in.

  • Brian_Boru

    Can I buy a vowel please?

  • Shooter1001

    My favorite color, Senator Schumer? Well, there’s red but that’s too bold and ‘in your face’. I have always liked blue but it fails to make a statement, Senator, know what I mean? Some say my real color is yellow. Its sooo bright, not me at all! I think, for the sake of this hearing I’ll settle on gray. Probably the choice of most of the others in the cabinet. Indecisive, blah, says nothing, takes no position other than the POTUS’. That’s it Senator, gray, my color is gray!

  • SNuss

    Excuse me, I need to change my Depends now.

  • Shooter1001

    Forgive me Senator, is your name pronounced HAYGEL as in bagel? Hagel. Bagel. Easy. No further questions. I submit my time.

  • ant

    I don’t know policy but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express…

  • ant

    “What difference does it make?!”

  • SNuss

    Wow, man, can I get another hit off that blunt?

  • ant

    “So. Mr. Hagel, what do YOU think we should do about football?”

  • ant

    I’m not a Secretary, but I play one on TV.

  • ant

    ‘Mr. Hagel, I have a very important question from our public watchdogs in the Media….If you could be any tree, which would you be?”

  • ant

    Give me a break, at least I’m not John Kerry.

  • skylvi

    Nobody told me there were going to be questions about kikes!

  • Rick

    Hey Lorne, when do I finally get to say “Live From D.C., It’s Saturday Night!”

  • cato

    uhhh, sorry senator McCain,I think I just had a successful troop surge in my pants.

  • “WOW! Look at all the pretty colors”

  • Columba

    “Oy vay.”

  • Len

    “Hagel, because in the new era of domestic drones, well, hell, that which is about to fall…deserves a little push.”

  • Big John

    I picked a hell of a day to quit sniffing glue.

  • Jodie

    I want my mommy!

  • CharlesR

    If I’m confirmed as Secretary of Defense, do I have to wear one of those short skirts?

  • CharlesR

    Mr. Hagel, please blink once for yes and twice for no!

  • CharlesR

    Just say no to drugs!

  • Glen

    Head light, what head lights.

  • coregis

    I thought we were going to talk about how it’s Bush’s fault.

  • Eleanor in Hell

    “Sure, I’ve got baggage…just look at my eyes.”

  • F.D.R. in Hell

    Lucifer said, with a smile, “Puffy eyes are a sign of kidney failure.” 👿

  • Restless

    Thank you, Mr. Hagel. The nice people from the home are here to pick you up now.

  • Jester

    “Dual Eye Bags now standard on all early model Senators.”

  • HookLineandStinker

    Uh…what’s a clue?

  • Dane

    How about…”What idiot forgot to tell barrack that skeet are IN THE AIR!?”

  • displaced Louisianaian

    The only man who makes Joe Biden look smart.

  • I would make a great Secretary of Defense. I defend gays in the military, women being killed on the front lines and .. uh, what else did Barack tell me to say?

  • Sam Adams

    Unfortunately the Alzheimer’s medication was not nearly as effective as hoped.

  • Unonymous

    *gulp* That was bad. Does this mean I’ll only get approved with 90 votes??

  • Joe

    “Sorry if I seem a little out of it. I don’t usually get up this early in the afternoon.”

  • Drury

    “Can I haz cheezburger?”

  • Keith

    “I think I just sharted… May I be excused now?”

  • Ghost of FA Hayek

    I solemnly swear to love the Jooos
    (At least until confirmed)

  • CharlesR

    Why yes, I do bungee jump without a cord.

  • Maudie N Mandeville

    My coaches said it wouldn’t make any difference what I said.

  • SNuss

    “I guess I picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue”.

  • ant

    Harry Reid to Hagel, “Is it just me? Do you smell that?…the tourist peasants outside?”

  • ant

    ” I think history has shown that radical islam is worthy of our trust.”

  • ant

    You call this number…it’s MSNBC..they’ll vouch for me.

  • ant

    Well, matter of fact, I AM 1/32 Cherokee.

  • epb

    Deer caught in headlights.

  • Arm Yourselves

    “I though bingo started at 1:PM? It said so on the nursing home schedule.”

  • epb

    Before the National Spelling Bee panel

    How do you spell “sleaze”?

    Duh… H A G E L

  • epb

    Political Contortionist demonstrating what he can do with no spine!

  • MNcon

    Could you repeat the part all about the stuff where you talked about the thing …

  • Not as dumb as Obama.

  • epb

    Hagel getting ready to be served humble pie!

  • Dave

    He’s gonna get caught

    Just you wait and see

    (Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me)

  • Dave

    Or just:

    “Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me”

  • Sufo


  • forest

    “Water? Like out the toilet?”

  • Jodie

    Yeah bartender, I’ll have a double Scotch, neat…What…where…?

  • Leonard Jones

    A deer in the headlights

  • Sam

    Who am I? Why am I here?

  • Rob

    “I see dead Jews”

  • Ummah Gummah


    I know we are on the Hagel Caption Contest, but I am putting this in Dave’s hands. It’s simply too good to pass up.


  • Richard,C

    Umm,,Does anybody have a tube of preparation “H” i can use???

  • Zorro

    My caption is “Colonel Clueless”

  • rex freeway

    Dammit, Barry didnt say anything about having to tell the truth

  • Jimbo

    What can go wrong? I don’t need to look any smarter than Barry did during his first debate.

  • direwolf

    Senator Cruz, what I don’t know about what you just asked me could fill the limitless vacuum between my ears, and I say that in all honesty.

  • direwolf

    You guys use to call me “Senator Bagel” — that’s why I hate those Joos.

  • JP

    Uhhh, I was told there’d be no math??..

  • Bob Roberts

    “Do I know why I was even nominated? That’s easy! Because Barry needs a golf partner for the next 4 years, of course!”

  • Bob Roberts

    I was told I would get a potty and nap break every half hour, can I go early?

  • DeafJoe

    “Of course I know about Petraeus. He used to be the Fleet Admiral who was the head of the NSA but then he had an affair with some Lesbanese woman.”

  • SL442

    Jethro Bodine, years later.

  • justme

    Lady’s and Gentlemen of the Senate, I am here today to apply for membership in President Obama’s Choom Gang….

  • Randog

    What impact would my dating Charlie Crist have on my ability to be secretary of defense?

  • David Gee

    Who am I.
    Why am I here?

  • Grunt

    A hush falls over the House…

    The Senator has an Al Roker Moment.

  • Lee Vincent

    ‘Which side are we on?”

  • trimdaddyj

    How about just the sound of crickets?

  • Steve A

    Ruh roh, I think I just did an Al Roker, I hope no one notices if I go commando the rest of the hearing.

  • Doug

    Defense? Do I know what Defense is? Of course I know what defense is… why I painted da fence at my house last week?

  • Tim Mc

    I would like to buy a clue for 12 Jews, Pat.

  • Sam

    “To the Senator’s question regarding whether it is possible to have someone stupider than the Vice President in a Cabinet position, yes sir, I am that proof.”

  • Bob Roberts

    Actually, and I didn’t read all the above to see if anyone already noticed this, if memory serves, the best caption would be what he actually said at this point in the hearings, which was:

    “It doesn’t matter what I think.”

  • SNuss

    “I used the Tantalus Penal Colony’s neural neutralizer on myself. Twice.”

    See: Star Trek, “Dagger of the Mind”

  • SNuss

    “Alex, I’ll take clueless Cabinet appointees for $1000.”

  • SNuss

    “Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore”

  • SNuss

    “I knew I shouldn’t have mixed prune juice with vodka last night”.

  • Deadweezyl

    DoD? I knew a cat named Todd once, not sure what the hell you’re talking about…. The. Aain I don’t know what yen hell I’m talking about. Where’s the jooooooooosss

  • two_amber_lamps


  • Bob Roberts

    Here’s what he’s saying at the point this photo was taken:

    Lean forward – we’re not done yet!

  • Mary

    I should have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night..

  • Sam

    I think I made an oopsie in my pants.

  • LibertyBelle

    I was abducted by aliens, the proof…is in the pudding, uh… I mean in my pudding, well I mean I AM the pudding.

  • SNuss

    “Where is the teleprompter? Barack said it would be right here.”

  • SNuss

    “You just can’t trust a fart.”

  • Sam Adams

    Man’s Country? No, I’ve never been to Man’s Country. Is that were the president shoots skeet?

  • obozo1

    I think I just pooped myself.

  • Damn, I could have had a V-8

  • WTSherman1864

    For the record, please state your name to this committee, sir.

    Yes, my name is Hagel: B.A.G.E.L. …. Hagel. May I have some cream cheese with that??

  • Jeanine

    Wait, ….what??

  • WTSherman1864

    Hey, folks! It says leave A COMMENT, not commentS!!

  • apostle53

    Obama said I reminded him of VP Joe Biden; the other dumbest white politician in America

  • epb

    Eye cream spokesperson.

    Testimonial: My bags had bags. Then I tried 100% haram safe kosher-free camel-o-mile tea suppositories “Amnesia Oil” by the makers of DNC Nonsense Corp, a Soros Pharmaceuticals subsidiary.

    “It gets the Joos out”

  • Bloodless Coup

    From InfoWars.Com

    234 Sheriffs And 4 Sheriffs Associations Take A Stand Against Obama’s Illegal Push For Gun Control.

    “If the machine of government is of such a nature that it requires you to be the agent of injustice to another, then, I say, break the law”
    ― Henry David Thoreau, Civil Disobedience and Other Essays: Collected Essays of Henry David Thoreau

  • Libertas

    Senator Hagel, Can you point to the United States of America on this map?

  • Miriam Caprio

    Mine is very simple like the man?
    The caption. DUH!!

  • Sufo

    “I didn’t know that!”

  • Sufo

    “Senator, Do farts have lumps?”

  • flyin’ Brian

    Would somebody please pass the bong.

  • groman

    You talking to me?

  • Hedgehog

    Let me check with Vladimir on that and I’ll get back to you for the record.

  • Highway Hospital Student

    Again Senator…we have no questions for you. This is gun control.

    Try and understand. The hearings for Secretary of State are in the next room over.

  • Shooter1001

    The glove is so you won’t feel the fingernail!

  • Shooter1001

    Why do I want this job?? You guys spent millions to get a $174 grand job. You know damn well why I want this job. Free dope and hot $500 whores. $100??? Thank you, Senator Bobby, I’ll tell them you OK’d that!

  • BillyK

    I think I pooped my pants

  • Len

    The kids used to tease me, they would call me names like “fuzz nuts”, they would…poke me with things,and…..if I am appointed, I will lash out as if those ancient demons had come back to life.

  • hiram

    I have no recollection of an independent thought, Senator.

  • Shooter1001

    Can I drive a tank? Dukakis was a moron too and he drove a tank! Besides, I drove a tank in the Navy!

  • octa bright

    I know NOTHING.
    Also the line of Sergeant Shultz, “Hogen’s Heros”

  • Miz Barkee

    “Uhmm, before I answer, can I call a friend?”

  • i eat da poo poo

  • tucsondon

    “I can store everything I need for a Senate testimony in the bags under my eyes. By the way, when’s happy hour start?”

  • Clink

    “Huh?” (This could be the caption to any and all screen shots of Hagel during these hearings)

  • Clink

    Sorry Miriam Caprio. I see you’ve already covered this aspect:) “Duh” versus “Huh?”

  • Steven Kendall


  • epb

    Hagel is a bagel!

  • Jodie

    Please sir, I want more pudding.

  • Dave

    Hey, at least I’m not as repulsive as McCain!

  • Brian

    “And this is how Amway changed my life…”

  • Shootyer1001

    Senator Hagel, Preparation H isn’t toothpaste!!

  • Shootyer1001

    Biden – Hagel in 2014.

  • Shootyer1001

    Joe, there’s no presidential election in 2014.

    Biden-Hagel in 2016

  • Jodie

    Thank you sir. You’re the second person whose told me about Preparation H. They said I could use it under my eyes, like the models do.

  • Clay

    Huh? I’ve been nominated to be secretary of what?

  • robins111

    I just pooped my pants,

  • Mike T

    May I be excused for a bit, I think I just sharted.

  • Mike T

    “Hi I’m Chuck, and I’m an alcoholic.”

  • txpine

    Deer… meet… headlights!

  • SNuss

    “I’m going to make him an offer that he can’t remember”-B. Hussein Obama

  • Shooter1001

    (‘Dueling Banjos’ from Deliverance)

  • Shooter1001

    Your lips moved Senator Hagel but all I heard was a cavernous wind echo.

  • People are so creative! What a shame that once all these brilliant artists are incarcerated, the rest of us won’t be able to do anything but sit around and tell jokes. Maybe that will be illegal too.

  • HookLineandStinker

    Clue?…I don’t need no stinking clue.

  • ? everything

    seriously, can I get a drink? make it a double will ya, I really, really need a drink.

  • Contessa61

    “I better get elected. I didn’t rig all those voting machines for nothin'”

  • Len

    ” I taut I taw a pooty cat…I did…I did !”

  • Rub

    Of course I shot skeet!

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