At a news conference in Washington today, President Obama announced that he is directing the Environmental Protection Agency to act immediately to enforce a new set of regulations to limit emissions of dihydrogen oxide gas, or water vapor, one of the primary causes of catastrophic anthropogenic climate change.
“The world faces a crisis,” the president intoned, “and America must lead. We have taken the first step by limiting carbon emissions, but that cannot be effective unless we deal with the larger menace posed by dihydrogen oxide pollution as well. Since Congress has failed in its duty to pass the required laws, I, as president, am directing the EPA to move unilaterally to issue and enforce appropriate regulations.”
The importance of dealing quickly with the dihydrogen oxide crisis was dramatically made clear by EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy, who showed charts comparing current atmospheric CO2 levels, at 400 parts per million, with those of water vapor, which are now greater than 10,000 parts per million. “And not only do dihydrogen oxide levels exceed CO2 more than twenty times over,” Ms. McCarthy said, “but each molecule of DHO has greater greenhousing effect. So we need to get control of this without delay.”
In answer to a reporter’s question, the president acknowledged that there may also be natural sources of atmospheric water vapor, but took a firm stand nevertheless. “Other nations may pollute, but that does not excuse us. Other sources may pollute, but that can not excuse us. Whatever other nations do, or natural processes may do, we must be responsible for our own actions. Every pound of dihydrogen oxide pollution is a blow to the climate. The science on this is settled, and we have no time to continue endlessly debating with flat Earthers who would deny the gravity of the crisis. The future of the planet is at stake.”
The president was given strong scientific support for the program by eminent NASA scientist Dr. James Hansen, the world’s leading expert on future climate. “The situation is even worse than most people can imagine,” Dr. Hansen said. “While anthropogenic dihydrogen oxide emissions will indeed warm the atmosphere, they will also increase precipitation. Therefore, at the same time that glaciers shrink due to melting, they will also grow rapidly as a result of increased snowfall. Thus we expect sea levels to both rise and fall simultaneously, flooding entire continents while leaving vital ports stranded high and dry, hundreds of miles from the ocean. As the polar glaciers grow, endangered species such as polar bears will be driven south in vast numbers, creating havoc in cities such as Toronto, St. Louis, Houston, and Mexico City. While some countermeasures have been suggested, once the Panama Canal freezes they will be unstoppable. Unfortunately, however, the warming/cooling process will not halt there. Rather it will self accelerate, with the final result being a superhot planet completely covered by ice. We have less than a year to stop this from happening. Afterwards, it will be too late. Anyone who stands in the way of immediate action should be indicted for crimes against the planet, and dealt with accordingly.”
Already we have seen global warming expeditions foiled by ice. Good thing the federal behemoth is taking decisive action:
According to Administrator McCarthy, initial EPA actions will include enforcement to stop dihydrogen oxide emissions from vehicles, ships, airplanes, homes, farms, industries, and other businesses. All such potential vapor emitting entities (PVEEs) will be required to equip their systems with EPA-approved condensers, thereby allowing their vapors to be gathered and returned to the federal government in liquid form for safe sequestration. Effective oversight will be guaranteed by the creation of a new Water Condensation Administration, which will deploy inspectors to assess compliance of all PVEEs on a monthly basis. In order to prevent PVEEs from “gaming the system,” McCarthy said, compliance standards will be contained in EPA/WCA interoffice memos, and not be made public. This procedure will provide the EPA with maximum discretion in pursuing prosecution or granting waivers to PVEEs, as advisable, to help encourage socially responsible conduct on the widest possible basis.
Wait a second, I don’t think this report is on the level. What excellent news! If this story is a joke, the global warming crisis must be a joke too. Now that we know it was all for laughs, maybe the government will stop using it to keep a boot on the neck of the economy.
On tips from Kevin in Auburn, WA.