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Jan 05 2013

Caption Contest

Schumer Hammer

Leave a comment providing the winning caption to the picture of Chucky Schmucky and win a free t-shirt, suitable for any formal occasion, courtesy of the esteemed countermoonbats at Party Crasher.

The winner will be announced Monday. Free shirts need to be claimed within a week (i.e., I need a US mailing address). T-shirts for the contest are available in blue L or XL only, although white shirts and other sizes are available directly from Party Crasher, along with an excellent selection of other t-shirts guaranteed to cause moonbats to sputter with impotent rage. Some are currently on sale for only $6.

On a suggestion from Ummah Gummah.

157 Responses to “Caption Contest”

  1. C. S. P. Schofield says:

    “Give a small boy a hammer and suddenly everything will look like a nail”

    Give a Democrat the power to tax……

  2. steve ring says:

    Hammers are responsible for deaths and building ghettoes. We must ban them!

  3. Cameraman says:

    I got my Hammer, I need the to Nail this AWB ..whos got My Sickle ?

  4. Big Al says:

    This hammer goes well with my sickle.

  5. big-pete says:

    When all the government has is a hammer, every citizen looks like a nail.

  6. -sepp says:

    “Just hit yourself in the head with this a few times and you’ll be able to think like a Democrat too”

  7. Cameraman says:

    Folks this is a High Capacity Ak -47 Hammer, it Must be on the List!

  8. starkness says:

    “I double dare you to take this hammer out of my hand and shove it where the sun don’t shine!

    “OK, I’m glad to grant your every wish Senator”

  9. big-pete says:

    Hammer, meet Head.

  10. HarleyBob says:

    Stand back or I’ll beat myself in the head with this hammer!

  11. big-pete says:

    Democrat Senator Chuck Schumer revels his preferred tool to help pound home the progressive agenda.

  12. Stan Back says:

    Having never worked a real job in my life could you tell what this shiny silver thing is for?

  13. Randy Schreiner says:

    chucky’s silver hammer smashed upon his head

  14. Tanglen says:

    Everybody STAND BACK, or the idiot ‘gets it!’

  15. Jesus was Jewish carpenter too, clingers

  16. Jim says:

    “My name is Thor, and I’m here from the government to help you.”

  17. Frank says:

    “I’m smarter than this hammer – you’d need a whole boxful to equal my intelligence” …

  18. Bloodless Coup says:

    “If I had a hammer, I’d hammer in the morning,I’d hammer in the evening all over this land.”

    Peter, Paul & Mary

  19. Bloodless Coup says:

    “Bang, bang Maxwell Silver Hammer came down upon her head. Bang, bang Maxwell Silver Hammer made sure that they were dead.”

    The Beatles

  20. Bloodless Coup says:

    “When the only tool that you have is hammer, every problem you encounter becomes a nail.”

    A Strange Modern Proverb Is Taken Out Of Context

  21. rex freeway says:

    This is the next thing we are going to outlaw in America. And i remember a bully shot me in the eye with a rubber band once. They’re next!

  22. rex freeway says:

    I became a crooked politician because i kept hitting my fingers with one of these.

  23. WTSherman1864 says:

    Glocks like this one I am holding are dangerous assault rifles!!

  24. WTSherman1864 says:

    We’re both useful tools for the Left!

  25. ViviLiberoOMuori says:

    These kill 50% more people every year than rifles. Logically, we must ban RIFLES.

  26. Bill T says:

    With shovel ready jobs we conned the tax payers out of $831 billion, how much do you think we can get using one of these?

  27. Canis lupus says:

    Whats this?

    Its looks dangerous.

    Lets ban it.

  28. wingmann says:

    Where did you say that Constitution is located?

  29. “If Americans had a hammer…I’d BAN it in the morning…I’d BAN it in the evening…all over this land!”

  30. Papa Bear says:

    Chuck Schumer personally taps his successor in a press conference held this morning in Washington DC. . .

  31. Chuckles the clown says:

    “I wonder if these have been banned in DC yet? Maybe we should submit a bill to limit these to 10 ounces only!

  32. shooter john says:

    Anybody want to ram this up my ass?

  33. “Does this hammer match my pink shirt and rainbow lanyard?

  34. Spider says:

    “Gee, i keep hitting myself with this hammer but i’m still a liberal”. — Chuck (lens-lice) Schumer

  35. Dr. 9 says:

    “Even though i keep trying, hitting yourself in the head with a hammer can not eliminate leftist thoughts…”

  36. Ghost of FA Hayek says:

    “So you’re tired of getting screwed” ?

  37. Kyoshi71 says:

    “…This is my hammer, this is my gun. Check out my hairline, it’s pretty much done.”

  38. mimi says:


  39. Tempus Fugit says:

    I just want you to know that I got the government a special deal on these hammers. Just ten grand a piece.

  40. Brian_Boru says:

    Hammer: A tool consisting of a solid head, usually made of metal.

    Schumer: A tool consisting of a solid head, usually made of metal.

  41. jim says:

    I’ll beat sense into those Second Amendment advocates

  42. Kyle says:

    Since assault rifles are banned in DC, this is what I must use on people who get between me and a camera.

  43. Shooter1001 says:

    They told me to “go stroke your hammer”!

  44. Shooter1001 says:

    He holds it like a girl.

  45. Shooter1001 says:

    “Let me show you. Imagine constituents that ask questions are nails…”

  46. Shooter1001 says:

    Better put it down Chuck, two uniformed guys are behind you!

  47. Shooter1001 says:

    Gees Chuckie, its only a little dog.

  48. dapenguin says:

    and some of these even have clips attached to hold extra nails.

  49. Joe says:

    My God, he’s holding a weapon even far more dangerous than the riffle according to the FBI! Quick ban it!

  50. Shooter1001 says:

    You’re over dressed for the carpentry job, Chuck.

  51. dapenguin says:

    and not only this one, but some of them are small enough to conceal in a purse or fanny pack

  52. Shooter1001 says:

    Its a new secret weapon. It’s so advanced there are no moving parts!

  53. Shooter1001 says:

    I’m really, really, really very angry. I’ll use this Kalishnakov.

  54. Shooter1001 says:

    How much are you charging your Senate expense account for the hammer Chuck, $500?

  55. Shooter1001 says:

    I didn’t see that ring on at the bar last night, Chuck?

  56. Ummah Gummah says:


    Hammer Time, baby!


  57. Ummah Gummah says:


    This here hammer says I’ve got a better tan than Boehner!


  58. facebkwallflower says:

    “If they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a hammer.”

  59. Ummah Gummah says:


    Steven Crowder? You better GIT! I swear I’ll whack ya!


  60. Ummah Gummah says:


    ( Am I holding it right? I feel kind of ridiculous with this hammer in my hand. And why do I get the feeling this is gonna end up as fodder for a caption contest on some Conservative website? )


  61. big-pete says:

    Assault magazines such as this MUST be band!…What?…What’s a hammer?

  62. Tatersalad says:

    Barack Obama gives our tax money to Egypt which is controlled by the Muslim Brotherhood which is Sharia compliant. Now the administration and liberals are trying to take away our only protection from this happening……….our guns!

  63. Jodie says:

    “You republicans, get in the back seat!”

  64. wth says:

    “Now wouldn’t you all rather receive a gubmint check than ever have to use one of these?”

  65. Marian says:

    I’ll hammer your ass if you don’t hand over your guns.

  66. Jodie says:

    Some folks call it a hammer, I call it a Kaiser blade. uh huh.

  67. big-pete says:

    I hold in my hand the solution to all of our problems.

  68. Ken says:

    “No one needs an assault hammer like this for duck hunting! If we can save just one child by banning assault hammers…”

  69. wth says:

    “Enforce our border? Nah. We just hand out one of these to everybody heading north.”

  70. TED says:

    “I’ve smaked my head all day with this and I still don’t understand this Constitution thing!?”

  71. Steve says:

    Fox News John Stossel has an outstanding documentary – Illegal Everything in America:

  72. Joe says:

    Useful tool, meet useless tool.

  73. Silberfuchs says:

    Hammers don’t kill people, people with hammers kill people without guns..

  74. falconsword says:

    “I know more people are killed by hammers each year than semi-automatic rifles (that looks scary), but we can’t figure out how to ban assault-hammers, so here we go!”

  75. Elizabeth says:

    In life, you’re either the hammer or the nail. I’m a hammer. Except when I’m nailing the American public.

  76. Ummah Gummah says:


    Good God, am I glad I don’t have to hold one of these every day, all day long like those taxpaying schlubs..


  77. Dave says:

    I wonder if i smash my own head in, if i would get charged with useing a assult weapon?

  78. Sinecure says:

    Comrades! We must outlaw pistol grips on these things!

  79. big-pete says:

    This should make short work of that constitution.

  80. VunderBob says:

    Hell yeah, we’ll confiscate the hammers, too. If the little people are not working anyway, why do they need them?

  81. Len says:

    Alright, I’ll give you three guesses on my proposed new national flag design…..

  82. Len says:

    A moment please, while I pull this sickle out of my ass.

  83. Sufo56 says:

    Go ahead! Call me Little Big Gulp again!!!

  84. DaveJ says:

    “If it ain’t broke yet, I can fix that!”

  85. HyacinthClare says:

    I don’t have a suggestion. I want to vote for Mimi’s!!

  86. TheRPSteve says:

    If You Want to Make an Omelet, You Must Be Willing to Break a Few Eggs

  87. Stogie says:

    “If you are as dumb as one of these, you too can be a Democrat!”

  88. Joe says:

    Can you guess which of these is smarter?

  89. Brian says:

    Mom! Uncle Chuck is playing with his tool again.

  90. TrojanMan says:

    CHUCK SHUMER here for the handy dandy country killer!!! In just 3 easy swings we can send the greatest country on earth into a third world hell hole. And if you call right now! Ill double the order the order and have overlord Obama ban everything that we think is bad for you! Dont delay CALL NOW!!!

    Taxpayer funded payments only. Void where we say its prohibited! 1-800-FU-CHUCK

  91. Bob Roberts says:

    “I would urge my Republican colleagues no matter how strongly they feel; you know we have three branches of government. We have a House; we have a Senate; we have a hammer.”

  92. dabsdog says:

    I don’t need no stinking gun!

  93. Henry says:

    “The next time I have to come in here I’m crackin’ skulls.”

  94. Contessa61 says:

    I’m going to use this to punch holes through the constitution.

  95. “No one except the elites security details need to have an 16oz soda… ah I mean a 16 round clip…ah I mean (hey aide what the hell is this)?

  96. Randog says:

    -Get em while they’re hot! Only $500 each!
    -These aren’t protected by the Second Amendment, and the government will take every one of them!
    -Proof that big government built this!
    -There is no way these harmless things killed more people than rifles last year!

  97. Randog says:

    Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the dumbest tool of all?

  98. Joe Gunter says:

    This hammer is an assault hammer – steel handle and combat grip. Who really needs a hammer like this to drive nails? Ban them!

  99. LANMaster says:

    Wow … I am so hammered right now.

  100. Depwavid says:

    Liberalism: a man hitting self in head with hammer because it feels so good when he stops.

    Oh, wait, we never stop: we’re moonbats!

  101. Depwavid says:

    One’s just a little smarter than the other…

  102. lshep-tx says: – the real Blunt instrument libs would like to ban.

    Yes, I’m sucking up.

  103. Leonard Jones says:

    If I had a hammer

  104. SNuss says:

    One of these is a mindless, simple, tool, and the other is used to drive nails.

  105. numnut says:

    The secret underground bunker/tunnel system is now completed,this is what’s gonna happen to you common folk.

  106. Rotofur says:

    Going to hammer thru gun legislation with my assault hammer!!!

  107. jc14 says:

    Hmmm! Wonder what would happen if I smacked myself on the head with this . . . What the hell do you call this thing, anyway?
    Hammer? Oh! Let’s give ‘er a try — WHACK!
    Okay, no damage. Nothing in there to harm . . .
    Well, back to work in the . . .
    Where the hell is it I work, anyway?
    Ah, fuhgetaboutit . . .

  108. jc14 says:

    “Useless fool with a tool.”

  109. VunderBob says:

    By Grabthar’s Hammer, we’re coming for your money AND your guns!

  110. Tom Chase says:

    “Hammers have been used for the over development of houses in New York. It is time for serious hammer control”.

  111. Pontotoc Bill says:

    This is my hammer,
    You get NO gun,
    One is for work,
    The other is gone.

    No Tool Chuckie strikes again.

  112. peter says:

    “I don’t know what this thing is because I’ve never had to use one in my privileged life, but it sure looks good in a photo-op.”

  113. Ummah Gummah says:


    A tool holding a tool,
    Only one of them is a fool.


  114. Ummah Gummah says:


    Wasn’t there supposed to be a sickle to go with this hammer?


  115. james pierce says:

    only I … can put this in safe hands

  116. Ummah Gummah says:


    Boehner better release those Superstorm funds or I’ll have to get nasty!


  117. Tom Murray says:

    Uhhh, how does this thing work again?

  118. G. Fox says:

    The 2nd Amendment was written specifically to protect us from tyrannical ‘hammerhead’ politicians!

  119. mimi says:

    weapons of mass construction!

  120. Bubba says:

    Shout out to Henry Bowman
    Stand back, I’ve got me!

  121. justme says:

    Chuck Schumer endorses his hair plug installation device: “If it works for Chuck the Schmuck, it’ll work for you.”

  122. Ummah Gummah says:


    “Is it safe?”

    – with a nod to The Marathon Man


  123. coal power says:

    trying desperately to follow in the footsteps of his man crush Ted Kennedy, Chucky decides to get “hammered”. Next time opt for the Oldsmobile Chuckles

  124. Observer says:

    When they come for the Jews that aint gonna help you much.

  125. Tom says:

    Most politicians will take everything that’s not nailed down, this guy’s ready to take everything.

  126. Rob says:

    Here, we see Chucky holding a citizen that voted for him.

  127. Carrstone says:

    No need for a gun! Get up close and personal, it’s the democratic way.

  128. Burrow Owl says:


    The peasants are revolting!

  129. Germanius says:

    “assault hammers”? Oohh, “ASSAULT Hammers”.

  130. Germanius says:


    (p.s. my vote goes to shooter john at 12:32 yesterday)

  131. Shooter1001 says:

    Where’s the damn instruction manual?

  132. Jodie says:

    Vote democrat and you’ll never again be forced to use one of these again. The republicans want to keep you hammering nails into wood to fasten your chains to!

  133. Shooter1001 says:

    Jimmy Carter taught me how to use this.

  134. Shooter1001 says:

    Are you sure you play the xylophone with this?

  135. Shooter1001 says:

    I love breaking people’s walnuts!

  136. Shooter1001 says:

    How’s it look? I polished my hammer for hours.

  137. Shooter1001 says:

    Hammer, hammer, about to fall
    Who’s the biggest schmuck of them all?

  138. Shooter1001 says:

    OK, driving nails. I got it, got it. Now, tell me what the other side is used for?
    Muslim earwax remover?

  139. Shooter1001 says:

    Gimme the money or I’ll shoot!

  140. TWS says:

    Based on government statistics, we have reclassified this as a destructive device avalible only to to license holders with a background check. The background check will be processed in a timely twenty four months and cost a modest fee of $1900 plus processing costs.

    We know this is a slight inconvenience but it is for the children.

  141. This is my Hammer. There are many like it, but this one is banned.

    And for your own good, so is yours. You’re welcome, serfs.

  142. Roy in Illinois, for which I apologize says:

    And you thought _I_ was a tool.

  143. 762x51 says:

    And after he hit me on the head many, many times, with a hammer, I had to give up my gun, I have kids.

  144. Sam Adams says:

    Now some people reportedly use this tool to make money. By placing a small “hit” counter on this thing, we will be able to assess a “hit” tax which will solve our fiscal problems. We are only asking for the employed to give a little bit more.

  145. Sam Adams says:

    Whaddya mean, use the head to hit the nail?

  146. Sam Adams says:

    No one needs a hammer with an extended shank like this one.

  147. Alphamail says:

    I am Comrade Schumer, the voice of the Bourgeoisie,
    And this is Marx my hammer, who damns the fact you think you’re free.

    You’re the Proletariat – you no longer have a voice.
    Marx will knock you on your ass if you believe you have a choice.

    Marx says hope and freedom, are his and are not alive –
    They’re cold inside a coffin, and he has but one more nail to drive.

  148. SNuss says:

    “You Bastard!”

    Schumer on Trial

    The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard.” The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.” The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You God-damned bastard.” The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?” The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “For fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

  149. SNuss says:

    Which head has a higher I.Q.?

  150. SNuss says:

    BTW, the curved end works well for cleaning the cling-ons out of my ass-crack

  151. Andrew says:

    “OK, so where is this constitution I keep hearing about?”

  152. The Machine says:

    “Because it feels so good when I stop.”

  153. Miz Barkee says:

    “With this hammer I will drive the last nail into the American economy and will successfully blame the republicans!”

  154. Rich says:

    Note the black Delta Force rubberized assault handle grip with evil holes. Note too the evil flared Seal aerodynamic assault shaft. Lastly, note the mil-spec killer head with rabbit site. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the viscous assault hammer. It has only one use … to kill. And I tell you that anyone can walk into any hardware store in this great nation and buy one. But more than that, they can buy as many assault hammers as they wish! And I ask you, why would anyone want not just one, but multiples of this killer? The answer! There is no sane reason to do so. And thus, ladies and gentlemen, this is why I whole heartedly support the proposed assault hammer ban.

  155. Shooter1001 says:

    Charles, The Hammer

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