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May 01 2013

Suburban Lawns Cause Global Warming

To grownups who point out that carbon emissions help plants to grow, moonbats have come up with a devastating response: plants cause global warming — particularly the plants that make up suburban lawns, which by an amazing coincidence symbolize the middle class that liberals are bent on destroying:

When it comes to reducing carbon footprints, many Americans need look no further than their front yards. The soil beneath those perfectly manicured carpets of green grass—the pride of many suburban homeowners—is pumping surprising amounts of carbon into the atmosphere. That’s according to a study published this month in the Soil Science Society of America Journal, which concludes that the amount of carbon rising from the soil of residential lawns is significantly greater than that from the soil of agricultural land—in this case, irrigated fields of corn. … Carbon is naturally deposited into soil by dead plant matter. When those plants begin to decompose, it is released back into the atmosphere as carbon dioxide, where it contributes to climate change.

“Climate change” is of course what they call global warming now that many people are aware that it hasn’t gotten any warmer for the past 16 years, in direct contradiction to the hysterical theories of our envirofascist overlords.

The solution is obvious: tax lawns. Just to be on the safe side, we had better tax cornfields too.

On a tip from Kevin in Auburn, WA.

Suburban lawns oppress the planet.

22 Responses to “Suburban Lawns Cause Global Warming”

  1. Dr. 9 says:

    No more lawns? The EnviroNazi’s will change their opinion on this once they realize how many illegals they would be putting out of work.

  2. Adam says:

    Not really anything new. Eco- freaks have been complaining about lawns for years and years now (Lawnmowers waste gas and “oppress” plants, lawn sprinkler systems waste water, etc.).
    Most environmentalists are less driven by a love of animals, plants, etc., than they are by a hatred of humans in general.

  3. justme says:

    Everything Evil Americans do contributes to climate change, specifically middle class Caucasian Christians. It is an easy solution, a final solution – kill all of them. The easiest way is with a few hydrogen weapons. Maybe that is the idea for letting Iran and North Korea build nuclear weapons?

  4. Beef says:

    Everything bourgeois causes Global Warming – lawns, SUV’s, driving to work, barbecues, eating meat, having children. Anything a childless, houseless, vegetarian, urban dwelling, mass transit taking liberal resents and envies about middle class suburban people is now a sin that will bring divine retribution (a.k.a. “Climate Change) down upon them.

    Carbon, the fundamental building block of life, is of course everywhere. Any human activity generates carbon dioxide. Once you define producing carbon dioxide as a sin, you have rationalization for enforcing behavioral controls on other people. Ultimately, if generating carbon dioxide is a sin, human existence is a sin.

  5. Alphamail says:

    Global cooling and the coming Ice Age – Time Magazine 1974 (w/cover pic),807319,807456,quote=1

    Global cooling via Mt. Rainier, Mt. Baker, and the Washington Cascades – 2013

  6. Tic Temper says:

    ” now that many people are aware that it hasn’t gotten any warmer for the past 16 years, in direct contradiction to the hysterical theories of our envirofascist overlords.”

    Thus asserting that the “envirofascist overlords” were correct in saying that the world HAD gotten warmer prior to that.
    They said it had, so you believed it.
    Now, they say the “warming” which you bought into has stopped, and you believe it.

    Reality is that there was never any credible evidence that the earth had warmed in the prior 130 years.

    What will they say next that you will believe?

  7. Alphamail says:

    A lot has been said about NOAA and NASA statistics, re global warming.

    It’s already been shown some NASA individuals “handcrafted” some data.

    As far as NOAA is concerned, I offer this:

    A “hippie” couple that lived across the street from me for 15 years, never once flew an American flag, even on Veteran’s Day, Memorial Day, or 4th of July. Never one time!

    But 24/7, they flew a UN flag, a diversity “rainbow” flag, and a peace flag from their front porch, and counted the Iraqi war dead on a daily basis by adding to a tally board in their front yard – a grassless area filled with wildflowers and weird plantings. Every other house within 100 square blocks had some kind of lawn.

    Their bumper stickers denigrated Christians and berated Bush, and they heated their house around the clock with fire wood during winter – avoiding using available natural gas like their neighbors.

    Over the years, one of the two would consistently leave for two to three weeks at a time to sail out on the Pacific to help gather weather and ocean data aboard the area’s NOAA research vessel.

  8. Chris in N.Va. says:

    Climate Change! Climate Change! O me oh my!!

    OK, let’s stop “climate change” (which until recently, course, has never EVER happened on this planet during its billions-of-years history until MAN started mucking things up).

    Just what IS the “correct” and “universally-agreed-upon” average planetary (and even local) temperature, as well as the “optimal” temperature fluctuation — and how exactly did these envirowackos derive at these numbers?


  9. whotothewhat says:

    I do my part to fight global warming, my lawn is not made up so much of grass as it is green weeds, and I only mow it once a week.

  10. Jester says:

    Lawns aren’t green enough anymore? Ok. Tax us some more. Higher carbon taxes will solve EVERYTHING.

  11. KHarn says:

    Owning a piece of land, even if it’s only small enough to play Bocce ball, is a symbol of independence and freedom (See “Of Mice And Men” for example). It gives one a sense of BELONGING to a place; you don’t just “live” there, it’s your HOME. When a man (Or woman) has a piece of land, he feels secure and often thinks about starting a business or family. When they travel, they confidently say that THAT is where their home is. For later generations it’s a reference to their heritage, it’s where they can trace their family’s beginnings. It’s a reference point to show how far you’ve progressed or fell. Owning a piece of land gives one something to take pride in and to fight for.

    No wonder “liberals” hate people who own property.

  12. 25 trillion carbon credits says:

    What doesn’t cause global warming? Or is it the ozone hole or climate change this week.

  13. Mr Evilwrench says:

    Suburban Lawns were awesome! “Janitor” and “Gidget Goes to Hell”, man, though Sue Tissue was kinda out there.

  14. Flu-Bird says:


  15. Claymores says:

    The actual cause is humans breaking the wind, indoors or out.

  16. TED says:

    Being Green

    Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.

    The woman apologized and explained, “We didn’t have this green thing back in my earlier days.”

    The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

    She was right — our generation didn’t have the green thing in its day.

    Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

    But we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

    Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

    But too bad we didn’t do the green thing back then.

    We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

    But she was right. We didn’t have the green thing in our day.

    Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

    But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

    Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

    But she’s right; we didn’t have the green thing back then.

    We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

    But we didn’t have the green thing back then.

    Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

    But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the green thing back then?

  17. DavidD says:

    Photosynthesis causes the green blades of grass to convert the CO2 from decomposing cut grass into food for itself and to release oxygen, as well–that’s why your grass grows faster after you cut it. The people at the Soil Science Institute of America are idiots.

  18. Bovine Flatulence says:

    Cow farts cause global warming.

  19. grayjohn says:

    Ecotards just don’t know when to shut up and walk away.

  20. Wizard45 says:

    Kinda interesting to note that the woman in the picture is using an electric lawnmower.

  21. klem says:

    So let me get this logic straight. If it is true that suburban lawns cause global warming, and it is also true that global warming causes more whores. I think we can deduce that suburban lawns cause more whores.

    Wow, the world sure is getting complicated.

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