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Dec 24 2012

The Short Path to a Rodent King’s Doom

Christmas week is notoriously slow, news-wise — so slow that I will now report on Justin Bieber’s hamster. Via TMZ:

FEAR NOT JUSTIN BIEBER FANS … his former pet hamster (ya know, the one he gave away) is now living in the lap of luxury with its new owner … who has vowed to treat the little guy like a tiny rodent king!!! …

We spoke to 18-year-old Tori — huge Bieber fan — who tells us she was shocked when the Biebs randomly offered her the cage … but is excited about looking after the lil’ guy and assures us he’s in great hands.

Now PAC will live happily ever after — except in the delusions of animal rights moonbats, who are screeching in outrage:

Justin Bieber issued a DEATH SENTENCE to his pet hamster PAC when he gave it away to a screaming fan (who promised to love and cherish it forever) outside of a concert earlier this month … this according to the California Hamster Association (yes, there’s actually a California Hamster Association).

TMZ spoke to a rep for the group … who tells us Bieber committed an act of “animal cruelty” when he gifted away the animal … even if his intentions were good.

The CHA tells us … hamsters are fragile creatures that “often succumb quickly to illness and death,” especially when faced with “sudden environmental change.”

In short … “The moment that hamster was handed off to a screaming girl in a harsh, frenzied environment was likely the moment it gazed at the short path to its doom.”

According to the moonbats, the hamster should have been incarcerated in an official animal shelter or rescue center, instead of being given to an adoring fan. With progressives it always comes down to internment camps, even for hamsters.

One lucky doomed hamster.

On tips from Ummah Gummah.

12 Responses to “The Short Path to a Rodent King’s Doom”

  1. James McEnanly says:

    How did the hamsters survive without us to keep their living areas between 65⁰ and 80⁰ F? These animal rights people underestimate the resiliency of these rodents. I think that it will do fine.

  2. Louie says:

    If the photo is accurate, I will gladly take the hamster’s place. . . .

  3. Ummah Gummah says:


    I’ll say. The hamster sure lucked out from the looks of things!

    That hamster association must be headed by Richard Gere, which would explain a lot..


  4. Ummah Gummah says:


    Similar hamster madness is nothing new in Europe where the EU is trying to sue France to “protect” its Alsatian Field Hamster population.

    Since farmers have switched from alfalfa to corn crops, the hamsters are left without food when they emerge from hibernation in the spring.

    Poor dears.

    In Germany field hamsters have been used the way the snail darter has been used in California, namely to block agricultural and industrial projects.

    Hence, a clever entrepreneurial soul in German has started a hamster rental to be used by environmental moonbats who want to augment unemployment by blocking construction of airports, highways and other infrastructure and industrial projects:

    The operator of the site does not provide an English version of his site, but it is good for a laugh nonetheless.

    He has since added other species, like beavers and – yes – mice, as well as lizards and snakes and even plants, selected for their track record of effectiveness in aiding to block a variety of projects in Germany.

    Germany lost two world wars, getting back on its feet by rebuilding its industry, but now it looks as if that nation will soon succumb to the war waged on its industries by industrious home-grown moonbats, even within its own government and the Kommissariat of the EU.

    The Alsatian field hamster attack on France was also initiated by German moonbats, who regularly score over 20% of the vote while the more practical French only vote about 2% – 3% Green. They prefer to go all the way and vote Red instead.

    As German industry is dragged off the cliff, the rest of Europe is sure to follow.

    And hamsters will have played an importrant role in the final demise of Europe!


  5. Depwavid says:

    Was wondering when the Richard Gere jokes would start…

    In Asia Minor and the Middle East, hamsters are agricultural pests, not delicate at all. I’ve found domestic (not wild or snake feeder) rats to be much better pets. They’re smarter, highly social, a lot more trainable, and the ones I’ve owned over the years seldom bit, unlike hamsters.

    Alas for Richard Gere, rats are quite a bit bigger than hamsters or gerbils… and hopefully too smart to venture into a PVC tube leading to rodent hell…

  6. Jay B. says:

    Remove the animal right screeching and it’s a really sweet story. You can bet this little lady will treat the hamster like a rodent king.

  7. Xzanaith says:

    When are people going to realize that the reason everything is popping up on the endangered list is because there are too many humans on the planet.People need to stop having so many children and we should start with the idiots that “rent” animals to stop projects that would not be necessary if there were less people.I say get a good start by sterilizing the stupid ones.

  8. Depwavid says:

    Finding the stupid ones will be easy… just go to the voter registration database and pick out the ones marked Democrat. But you’d have to cross-reference with vital statistics so you don’t send the surgical team to the cemetery by mistake.

  9. Bob Roberts says:

    “Yes, there’s actually a California Hamster Association!”

    And not only that, we actually had a guy run for governor who’s platform was that he would legalize ferret ownership in the state as it is currently illegal.

    There’s a significant black market here in ferrets and ferret supplies as a result.

  10. Ummah Gummah says:

    Depwavid says:
    December 24, 2012 at 2:49 pm
    Finding the stupid ones will be easy… just go to the voter registration database and pick out the ones marked Democrat. But you’d have to cross-reference with vital statistics so you don’t send the surgical team to the cemetery by mistake.

    Oh boy, that would mean that Philadelphia would have a population of MINUS 140% !!!

    What a project..


  11. Ummah Gummah says:

    @ Xzanaith

    Hey, MOONBAT! The hamster rental page IS A JOKE!! He put it up to MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE Like YOU!!!!!!!

    Lord Have Mercy.. there are some stupid ones..

    Lord, give me the strength to resist my urge to strangle this idiot!


  12. bobdog says:

    Hey. The poor little defenseless hamster is safer with a hyperventilating teenie than it would be at a PETA animal shelter.

    Of course, so would any animal.

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