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Feb 02 2013

Caption Contest


Leave a comment providing the winning caption to the picture above of Obama’s idea of a Defense Secretary and win a free t-shirt, suitable for any formal occasion, courtesy of the esteemed countermoonbats at Party Crasher.

The winner will be announced Monday. Free shirts need to be claimed within a week (i.e., I need a US mailing address). T-shirts for the contest are available in blue L or XL only, although white shirts and other sizes are available directly from Party Crasher, along with an excellent selection of other t-shirts guaranteed to cause moonbats to sputter with impotent rage.

201 Responses to “Caption Contest”

  1. Shooter1001 says:

    The nameplate in front of you Senator…you can use that as a reference.

  2. Big Al says:

    “What is with all these lights? How do you expect me to see or not see my shadow? Of course there will be at least six more weeks of confusion and obfuscation.”

  3. Shooter1001 says:

    I think I was in the Army. No, the Navy! The one with the boats and the water.

  4. Jim says:

    What, me worry?

  5. Shooter1001 says:

    Me and Bobby, that Latino dude from NJ were out partying last night. Man, he’s a real chick magnet!

  6. Shooter1001 says:

    Yeah, I can type over 50WPM. Its a secretary’s job ain’t it?

  7. Shooter1001 says:

    Sen. McCain: Let the record show that the Senator refuses to answer.
    Sen. Hagel: I have 5th Amendment rights too you know!

  8. junkyard infidel says:

    “I solemnly swear on the book of Alinsky to tell the truth!”

  9. Shooter1001 says:

    I played defense in high School, that counts right?

  10. Mike B says:

    Does this mean we aren’t doing lunch?

  11. marcus tullius cicero says:


  12. Backbone 76 says:

    “I, uh,…..I did not have, uh, sickening slaughter……with that woman.”

  13. Shooter1001 says:

    I’m confused, what was the question?

  14. G.Fox says:

    I can not brain today……I has the dumb.

  15. Backbone 76 says:

    Senator Hagel, would you please provide members of this committee with a courtesy flush?

  16. Stu Gotts says:

    “Who am I? Why am I here?”

  17. Jodie says:

    C’mon guys. What is victory? What is defeat? See, you don’t know. Let’s move on.

  18. Conan says:

    “What difference does it make, let’s move on!”

  19. d soto says:

    If there aint vodka in that water im gonna be pissed

  20. Shooter1001 says:

    I’m strongly in favor of gays in the military. We should also allow them in the Army and the Navy. And the blue one too.

  21. smokeclay says:

    I packed the eggs on top so they won’t get damaged on your trip home, “Thank you for shopping at……”

  22. Shooter1001 says:

    Yes Senator Graham, I’m a major supporter of Israel. Why, even back in Nebraska I was a member of the Shalom Swine Association and made many trips to both Egypt and Israel promoting ‘Peace with Pork’.

  23. big-pete says:

    What difference do I make?

  24. Sam Adams says:

    Just because you are elected to high office doesn’t mean that you are smart.

  25. Sam Adams says:

    No, Barack hasn’t told me how much he would be paying me yet.

  26. Sam Adams says:

    Not enough intellectual power to light a 5 watt bulb.

  27. Sam Adams says:

    Yes, Barack believes in affirmative action. That’s why I’m here.

  28. Sam Adams says:

    Yes, I have some experience with alien abductions. It was a dark night some years ago…..

  29. Ummah Gummah says:


    LOL @ Sam Adams!


  30. Sam Adams says:

    My main goal as Secretary of Defense is to improve my handicap.

  31. Ummah Gummah says:


    What difference does it make, you GOPuzziez? You know as well as I do that this is a big giant farce and that you will confirm me in the end.

    Any idea what the media will do to you if you don’t?


  32. Ummah Gummah says:


    You have to confirm me. The President is desperately looking for a golfing buddies who plays even worse than he does.


  33. Sam Adams says:

    No, I don’t think that my having been elected as a republican is the reason that Barack choose me to be part of his bipartisan administration.

  34. Sam Adams says:

    Ummah Gummah says:
    February 2, 2013 at 11:37 am


    You have to confirm me. The President is desperately looking for a golfing buddies who plays even worse than he does.

    Senator Hagel; the Secretary who shanks to the left.

  35. Ummah Gummah says:


    What do you mean the bags under my eyes are bigger than Jim Lehrer’s?


  36. Jodie says:

    Hey, Obama called me and asked me if I wanted da position a week before he told Panetta dat he was being replaced.

  37. Ummah Gummah says:


    Of course the bags under my eyes are bigger than Jim Lehrer’s! I’m more liberal than he is. D-uh!


  38. Shooter1001 says:

    Can I get some Red Bull man? That Bobby M. from NJ can sure party. Lots of crazy chica babes that took this good ol’ country boy places he ain’t never been.

  39. big-pete says:

    I told President Obama when he asked me to be the Secretary of Defense that I could hardly type and I’ve never even met this Defense guy.

  40. Shooter1001 says:

    Why do I want this job? Hmmm…we didn’t cover that in the prep.

  41. Sweep the leg says:

    In which context do you wish for me to describe the meaning of the word “context”? I’d have to know the entire context before I could match that context with the context I was contextually using. Thank you.

  42. big-pete says:

    My first priority as SecDef will be to reduce our Marine presence in Guam.

  43. geno says:

    You don’t have to remember, Senator. Just do as I say. We’re putting a call in to your office. Explain that you decided to spend the night at Michael Corleone’s house in Tahoe, as his guest.

  44. IslandLifer says:

    Next up for bid item C4. This ladies and gents is a traitorous sack of lying shit who hates America and Israel but loves the murderous radical muslims. This one comes with the full endorsement of Iran. SOLD to the American people who have now been sold out due to their recent purchase of BO and Kerry. Enjoy your next 4 years!

  45. Shooter1001 says:

    How many sides does a pentagon have Senator?

  46. BobR says:

    This should be easy because Barry is ending the war…
    I’ll be out of a job soon anyway.

  47. docstew says:

    “Gimme true/false! I’m better at true/false!”

  48. SNuss says:

    “Who am I, and what am I doing here?”

  49. bad actor says:

    “I know nothink!” (in his best (Hogan’s Heroes) Sgt Schultz German accent).

  50. Brian_Boru says:

    That Preparation H is just now kicking in.

  51. Brian_Boru says:

    Can I buy a vowel please?

  52. Shooter1001 says:

    My favorite color, Senator Schumer? Well, there’s red but that’s too bold and ‘in your face’. I have always liked blue but it fails to make a statement, Senator, know what I mean? Some say my real color is yellow. Its sooo bright, not me at all! I think, for the sake of this hearing I’ll settle on gray. Probably the choice of most of the others in the cabinet. Indecisive, blah, says nothing, takes no position other than the POTUS’. That’s it Senator, gray, my color is gray!

  53. SNuss says:

    Excuse me, I need to change my Depends now.

  54. Shooter1001 says:

    Forgive me Senator, is your name pronounced HAYGEL as in bagel? Hagel. Bagel. Easy. No further questions. I submit my time.

  55. ant says:

    I don’t know policy but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express…

  56. ant says:

    “What difference does it make?!”

  57. SNuss says:

    Wow, man, can I get another hit off that blunt?

  58. ant says:

    “So. Mr. Hagel, what do YOU think we should do about football?”

  59. ant says:

    I’m not a Secretary, but I play one on TV.

  60. ant says:

    ‘Mr. Hagel, I have a very important question from our public watchdogs in the Media….If you could be any tree, which would you be?”

  61. ant says:

    Give me a break, at least I’m not John Kerry.

  62. skylvi says:

    Nobody told me there were going to be questions about kikes!

  63. Rick says:

    Hey Lorne, when do I finally get to say “Live From D.C., It’s Saturday Night!”

  64. cato says:

    uhhh, sorry senator McCain,I think I just had a successful troop surge in my pants.

  65. Dapper says:

    “WOW! Look at all the pretty colors”

  66. Columba says:

    “Oy vay.”

  67. Len says:

    “Hagel, because in the new era of domestic drones, well, hell, that which is about to fall…deserves a little push.”

  68. Big John says:

    I picked a hell of a day to quit sniffing glue.

  69. Jodie says:

    I want my mommy!

  70. CharlesR says:

    If I’m confirmed as Secretary of Defense, do I have to wear one of those short skirts?

  71. CharlesR says:

    Mr. Hagel, please blink once for yes and twice for no!

  72. CharlesR says:

    Just say no to drugs!

  73. Glen says:

    Head light, what head lights.

  74. coregis says:

    I thought we were going to talk about how it’s Bush’s fault.

  75. Eleanor in Hell says:

    “Sure, I’ve got baggage…just look at my eyes.”

  76. F.D.R. in Hell says:

    Lucifer said, with a smile, “Puffy eyes are a sign of kidney failure.” 👿

  77. Restless says:

    Thank you, Mr. Hagel. The nice people from the home are here to pick you up now.

  78. Jester says:

    “Dual Eye Bags now standard on all early model Senators.”

  79. HookLineandStinker says:

    Uh…what’s a clue?

  80. Dane says:

    How about…”What idiot forgot to tell barrack that skeet are IN THE AIR!?”

  81. displaced Louisianaian says:

    The only man who makes Joe Biden look smart.

  82. Dale Dawson says:

    I would make a great Secretary of Defense. I defend gays in the military, women being killed on the front lines and .. uh, what else did Barack tell me to say?

  83. Sam Adams says:

    Unfortunately the Alzheimer’s medication was not nearly as effective as hoped.

  84. Unonymous says:

    *gulp* That was bad. Does this mean I’ll only get approved with 90 votes??

  85. Joe says:

    “Sorry if I seem a little out of it. I don’t usually get up this early in the afternoon.”

  86. Drury says:

    “Can I haz cheezburger?”

  87. Keith says:

    “I think I just sharted… May I be excused now?”

  88. Ghost of FA Hayek says:

    I solemnly swear to love the Jooos
    (At least until confirmed)

  89. CharlesR says:

    Why yes, I do bungee jump without a cord.

  90. Maudie N Mandeville says:

    My coaches said it wouldn’t make any difference what I said.

  91. SNuss says:

    “I guess I picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue”.

  92. ant says:

    Harry Reid to Hagel, “Is it just me? Do you smell that?…the tourist peasants outside?”

  93. ant says:

    ” I think history has shown that radical islam is worthy of our trust.”

  94. ant says:

    You call this number…it’s MSNBC..they’ll vouch for me.

  95. ant says:

    Well, matter of fact, I AM 1/32 Cherokee.

  96. epb says:

    Deer caught in headlights.

  97. Arm Yourselves says:

    “I though bingo started at 1:PM? It said so on the nursing home schedule.”

  98. epb says:

    Before the National Spelling Bee panel

    How do you spell “sleaze”?

    Duh… H A G E L

  99. epb says:

    Political Contortionist demonstrating what he can do with no spine!

  100. MNcon says:

    Could you repeat the part all about the stuff where you talked about the thing …

  101. Vermin says:

    Not as dumb as Obama.

  102. epb says:

    Hagel getting ready to be served humble pie!

  103. Dave says:

    He’s gonna get caught

    Just you wait and see

    (Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me)

  104. Dave says:

    Or just:

    “Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me”

  105. forest says:

    “Water? Like out the toilet?”

  106. Jodie says:

    Yeah bartender, I’ll have a double Scotch, neat…What…where…?

  107. Leonard Jones says:

    A deer in the headlights

  108. Sam says:

    Who am I? Why am I here?

  109. Rob says:

    “I see dead Jews”

  110. Ummah Gummah says:


    I know we are on the Hagel Caption Contest, but I am putting this in Dave’s hands. It’s simply too good to pass up.


  111. Richard,C says:

    Umm,,Does anybody have a tube of preparation “H” i can use???

  112. Zorro says:

    My caption is “Colonel Clueless”

  113. rex freeway says:

    Dammit, Barry didnt say anything about having to tell the truth

  114. Jimbo says:

    What can go wrong? I don’t need to look any smarter than Barry did during his first debate.

  115. direwolf says:

    Senator Cruz, what I don’t know about what you just asked me could fill the limitless vacuum between my ears, and I say that in all honesty.

  116. direwolf says:

    You guys use to call me “Senator Bagel” — that’s why I hate those Joos.

  117. JP says:

    Uhhh, I was told there’d be no math??..

  118. Bob Roberts says:

    “Do I know why I was even nominated? That’s easy! Because Barry needs a golf partner for the next 4 years, of course!”

  119. Bob Roberts says:

    I was told I would get a potty and nap break every half hour, can I go early?

  120. DeafJoe says:

    “Of course I know about Petraeus. He used to be the Fleet Admiral who was the head of the NSA but then he had an affair with some Lesbanese woman.”

  121. SL442 says:

    Jethro Bodine, years later.

  122. justme says:

    Lady’s and Gentlemen of the Senate, I am here today to apply for membership in President Obama’s Choom Gang….

  123. Randog says:

    What impact would my dating Charlie Crist have on my ability to be secretary of defense?

  124. David Gee says:

    Who am I.
    Why am I here?

  125. Grunt says:

    A hush falls over the House…

    The Senator has an Al Roker Moment.

  126. Lee Vincent says:

    ‘Which side are we on?”

  127. trimdaddyj says:

    How about just the sound of crickets?

  128. Steve A says:

    Ruh roh, I think I just did an Al Roker, I hope no one notices if I go commando the rest of the hearing.

  129. Doug says:

    Defense? Do I know what Defense is? Of course I know what defense is… why I painted da fence at my house last week?

  130. Tim Mc says:

    I would like to buy a clue for 12 Jews, Pat.

  131. Sam says:

    “To the Senator’s question regarding whether it is possible to have someone stupider than the Vice President in a Cabinet position, yes sir, I am that proof.”

  132. Bob Roberts says:

    Actually, and I didn’t read all the above to see if anyone already noticed this, if memory serves, the best caption would be what he actually said at this point in the hearings, which was:

    “It doesn’t matter what I think.”

  133. SNuss says:

    “I used the Tantalus Penal Colony’s neural neutralizer on myself. Twice.”

    See: Star Trek, “Dagger of the Mind”

  134. SNuss says:

    “Alex, I’ll take clueless Cabinet appointees for $1000.”

  135. SNuss says:

    “Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore”

  136. SNuss says:

    “I knew I shouldn’t have mixed prune juice with vodka last night”.

  137. Deadweezyl says:

    DoD? I knew a cat named Todd once, not sure what the hell you’re talking about…. The. Aain I don’t know what yen hell I’m talking about. Where’s the jooooooooosss

  138. two_amber_lamps says:


  139. Bob Roberts says:

    Here’s what he’s saying at the point this photo was taken:

    Lean forward – we’re not done yet!

  140. Mary says:

    I should have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night..

  141. Sam says:

    I think I made an oopsie in my pants.

  142. LibertyBelle says:

    I was abducted by aliens, the proof…is in the pudding, uh… I mean in my pudding, well I mean I AM the pudding.

  143. SNuss says:

    “Where is the teleprompter? Barack said it would be right here.”

  144. SNuss says:

    “You just can’t trust a fart.”

  145. Sam Adams says:

    Man’s Country? No, I’ve never been to Man’s Country. Is that were the president shoots skeet?

  146. obozo1 says:

    I think I just pooped myself.

  147. Kevin Coyne says:

    Damn, I could have had a V-8

  148. WTSherman1864 says:

    For the record, please state your name to this committee, sir.

    Yes, my name is Hagel: B.A.G.E.L. …. Hagel. May I have some cream cheese with that??

  149. Jeanine says:

    Wait, ….what??

  150. WTSherman1864 says:

    Hey, folks! It says leave A COMMENT, not commentS!!

  151. apostle53 says:

    Obama said I reminded him of VP Joe Biden; the other dumbest white politician in America

  152. epb says:

    Eye cream spokesperson.

    Testimonial: My bags had bags. Then I tried 100% haram safe kosher-free camel-o-mile tea suppositories “Amnesia Oil” by the makers of DNC Nonsense Corp, a Soros Pharmaceuticals subsidiary.

    “It gets the Joos out”

  153. Bloodless Coup says:

    From InfoWars.Com

    234 Sheriffs And 4 Sheriffs Associations Take A Stand Against Obama’s Illegal Push For Gun Control.

    “If the machine of government is of such a nature that it requires you to be the agent of injustice to another, then, I say, break the law”
    ― Henry David Thoreau, Civil Disobedience and Other Essays: Collected Essays of Henry David Thoreau

  154. Libertas says:

    Senator Hagel, Can you point to the United States of America on this map?

  155. Miriam Caprio says:

    Mine is very simple like the man?
    The caption. DUH!!

  156. Sufo says:

    “I didn’t know that!”

  157. Sufo says:

    “Senator, Do farts have lumps?”

  158. flyin' Brian says:

    Would somebody please pass the bong.

  159. groman says:

    You talking to me?

  160. Hedgehog says:

    Let me check with Vladimir on that and I’ll get back to you for the record.

  161. Highway Hospital Student says:

    Again Senator…we have no questions for you. This is gun control.

    Try and understand. The hearings for Secretary of State are in the next room over.

  162. Shooter1001 says:

    The glove is so you won’t feel the fingernail!

  163. Shooter1001 says:

    Why do I want this job?? You guys spent millions to get a $174 grand job. You know damn well why I want this job. Free dope and hot $500 whores. $100??? Thank you, Senator Bobby, I’ll tell them you OK’d that!

  164. BillyK says:

    I think I pooped my pants

  165. Len says:

    The kids used to tease me, they would call me names like “fuzz nuts”, they would…poke me with things,and…..if I am appointed, I will lash out as if those ancient demons had come back to life.

  166. hiram says:

    I have no recollection of an independent thought, Senator.

  167. Shooter1001 says:

    Can I drive a tank? Dukakis was a moron too and he drove a tank! Besides, I drove a tank in the Navy!

  168. octa bright says:

    I know NOTHING.
    Also the line of Sergeant Shultz, “Hogen’s Heros”

  169. Miz Barkee says:

    “Uhmm, before I answer, can I call a friend?”

  170. raff says:

    i eat da poo poo

  171. tucsondon says:

    “I can store everything I need for a Senate testimony in the bags under my eyes. By the way, when’s happy hour start?”

  172. Clink says:

    “Huh?” (This could be the caption to any and all screen shots of Hagel during these hearings)

  173. Clink says:

    Sorry Miriam Caprio. I see you’ve already covered this aspect:) “Duh” versus “Huh?”

  174. Steven Kendall says:


  175. epb says:

    Hagel is a bagel!

  176. Jodie says:

    Please sir, I want more pudding.

  177. Dave says:

    Hey, at least I’m not as repulsive as McCain!

  178. Brian says:

    “And this is how Amway changed my life…”

  179. Shootyer1001 says:

    Senator Hagel, Preparation H isn’t toothpaste!!

  180. Shootyer1001 says:

    Biden – Hagel in 2014.

  181. Shootyer1001 says:

    Joe, there’s no presidential election in 2014.

    Biden-Hagel in 2016

  182. Jodie says:

    Thank you sir. You’re the second person whose told me about Preparation H. They said I could use it under my eyes, like the models do.

  183. Clay says:

    Huh? I’ve been nominated to be secretary of what?

  184. robins111 says:

    I just pooped my pants,

  185. Mike T says:

    May I be excused for a bit, I think I just sharted.

  186. Mike T says:

    “Hi I’m Chuck, and I’m an alcoholic.”

  187. txpine says:

    Deer… meet… headlights!

  188. SNuss says:

    “I’m going to make him an offer that he can’t remember”-B. Hussein Obama

  189. Shooter1001 says:

    (‘Dueling Banjos’ from Deliverance)

  190. Shooter1001 says:

    Your lips moved Senator Hagel but all I heard was a cavernous wind echo.

  191. Marylou says:

    People are so creative! What a shame that once all these brilliant artists are incarcerated, the rest of us won’t be able to do anything but sit around and tell jokes. Maybe that will be illegal too.

  192. HookLineandStinker says:

    Clue?…I don’t need no stinking clue.

  193. ? everything says:

    seriously, can I get a drink? make it a double will ya, I really, really need a drink.

  194. Contessa61 says:

    “I better get elected. I didn’t rig all those voting machines for nothin'”

  195. Len says:

    ” I taut I taw a pooty cat…I did…I did !”

  196. Rub says:

    Of course I shot skeet!

  197. […] Caption Contest ( […]

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