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Jul 15 2014

Man Arrested for Stabbing Watermelon

Now that we know that plants don’t like to be eaten, we can assume that they don’t like getting stabbed either. Fortunately Big Government is there to protect the rights of fruits and vegetables:

The Register Citizen of Torrington reports Carmine Cervellino of Thomaston was arraigned Monday on charges of threatening and disorderly conduct. He was released after posting a $500 bond.

Police say [an unnamed] woman had gone to police on July 4 to report finding drugs, including marijuana, in Cervellino’s tool box. He was not arrested.

They say she later returned home to find the watermelon on the counter with a butcher’s knife in it. She reported that Cervellino then entered the room and began carving the watermelon. She called the incident passive-aggressive and menacing.

Incidents like this are especially menacing for those who happen to be watermelons.

watermelon-knife
Government must stop the carnage.

On a tip from Wiggins.



33 Responses to “Man Arrested for Stabbing Watermelon”

  1. THOUGHTCRIMINAL2014 says:

    Cases like this are why I am so against “bullying,” “domestic violence” and myriad other amorphous laws that create criminals with arbitrary vague descriptions and interpretations.

  2. THOUGHTCRIMINAL2084 says:

    Cases like this are why I am so against “bullying,” “domestic violence” and myriad other amorphous laws that create criminals with arbitrary vague descriptions and interpretations.

  3. Pork_Soda says:

    Man I could go homicidal on a nice cold watermellon right now. Some cantaloupe and honeydew mellons could also become inncocent bystanders/colateral damage!

  4. Pork_Soda says:

    Man I could go homicidal on a nice cold watermellon right now. Some cantaloupe and honeydew mellons could also become inncocent bystanders/colateral damage!

  5. Bill T says:

    Can you imagine her reaction if she’d have witnessed this, it might have been elevated to a capitol offence!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyPuZYQ8ANg

  6. Bill T says:

    Can you imagine her reaction if she’d have witnessed this, it might have been elevated to a capitol offence!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyPuZYQ8ANg

  7. Son_of_Taz says:

    Maybe her head would have exploded like the melon!

  8. Softly Bob says:

    That is why I am a devout omnivore. I find vegetarians and especially vegans to be exceptionally cruel and intimidating in the way that they butcher innocent fruit and vegetables and then cannibalize them by eating them.
    Give me a pork pie any day over a salad. This watermelon story has really upset me.

  9. Eddie_Valiant says:

    Maybe her head would have exploded like the melon!

  10. Saxon Warrior says:

    That is why I am a devout omnivore. I find vegetarians and especially vegans to be exceptionally cruel and intimidating in the way that they butcher innocent fruit and vegetables and then cannibalize them by eating them.
    Give me a pork pie any day over a salad. This watermelon story has really upset me.

  11. Pork_Soda says:

    The perp’s name wouldn’t happen to be named ‘Gallagher’ would he?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gasAFyonmmI

    Sorry I had to take that low hanging fruit! Ok I’ll just shuddup now…

  12. Pork_Soda says:

    The perp’s name wouldn’t happen to be named ‘Gallagher’ would he?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gasAFyonmmI

    Sorry I had to take that low hanging fruit! Ok I’ll just shuddup now…

  13. dan says:

    I was almost thrown out of highschool when the vice principal had a hissey-fit over a homegrown watermelon I had brought to the school lunchroom…ok,it could have been the 10″ knife i brought to cut it…but either the attitude of my mom on the phone or the look in my eyes persuaded him that he was about to loose more than a battle and he acquiesced to reason and I had my watermelon and shared it with the lunch ladies as my (other) friends were back in class by then. …I think he held a grudge
    but he’ll never know how close he was to having his low hanging fruit taken.

  14. Softly Bob says:

    Sorry, but at least if I do, I’m not actually a cannibal because even though most Leftists call me a pig, I’m not actually one.
    Whereas vegans are actually cannibals because each and every one of them is either a mindless vegetable or a complete fruit!

  15. dan says:

    I was almost thrown out of highschool when the vice principal had a hissey-fit over a homegrown watermelon I had brought to the school lunchroom…ok,it could have been the 10″ knife i brought to cut it…but either the attitude of my mom on the phone or the look in my eyes persuaded him that he was about to loose more than a battle and he acquiesced to reason and I had my watermelon and shared it with the lunch ladies as my (other) friends were back in class by then. …I think he held a grudge
    but he’ll never know how close he was to having his low hanging fruit taken.

  16. Saxon Warrior says:

    Sorry, but at least if I do, I’m not actually a cannibal because even though most Leftists call me a pig, I’m not actually one.
    Whereas vegans are actually cannibals because each and every one of them is either a mindless vegetable or a complete fruit!

  17. MannieP says:

    This doesn’t pass the smell test. I suspect there is a lot, like a history of domestic violence and threats, left out of the story.

  18. thomaswells says:

    I put watermelons on posts a blast the frit out of them with my 12 gauge, as practice for a non passive response to thug attackers.

  19. thomaswells says:

    I put watermelons on posts a blast the frit out of them with my 12 gauge, as practice for a non passive response to thug attackers.

  20. Rex Kwon Do says:

    Guess he just doesn’t like environmentalists: green on the outside, red on the inside.

  21. Taters...mmhmmm says:

    Guess he just doesn’t like environmentalists: green on the outside, red on the inside.

  22. Rex Kwon Do says:

    So cute…so delicious.

  23. Taters...mmhmmm says:

    So cute…so delicious.

  24. Momster says:

    Nope, Manny–this was exactly how it was reported in the Boston newspapers here in the Peoples Republic of Massachusetts.

    Poor b@$tard was starting to carve a 4th of July watermelon–maybe had to pee or something–came back and finished carving it. Have you ever cut up a whole watermelon–they are very tough and need a large, long, sharp knife to do the job.

    Even though I am a female I believe the wife may be out to get him as she had earlier reported finding drugs in his toolbox–yet the police did not arrest him for it. I worked (before retirement) in the Narcotics/Vice unit of our local PD and if there had been drugs found he WOULD have been arrested–that is, if they determined that HE was the one who put them there.

  25. Momster says:

    Nope, Manny–this was exactly how it was reported in the Boston newspapers here in the Peoples Republic of Massachusetts.

    Poor b@$tard was starting to carve a 4th of July watermelon–maybe had to pee or something–came back and finished carving it. Have you ever cut up a whole watermelon–they are very tough and need a large, long, sharp knife to do the job.

    Even though I am a female I believe the wife may be out to get him as she had earlier reported finding drugs in his toolbox–yet the police did not arrest him for it. I worked (before retirement) in the Narcotics/Vice unit of our local PD and if there had been drugs found he WOULD have been arrested–that is, if they determined that HE was the one who put them there.

  26. MannieP says:

    This was exactly how it was reported in the Boston newspapers here in the Peoples Republic of Massachusetts.

    I believe that. But newsies are notoriously lazy and have axes to grind. Divorce cases are full of bullshit on both sides. I’m withholding judgment on this one.

    I’m a refugee from Taxachussets, born in Worcester.

  27. MannieP says:

    You’re under arrest. STOP RESISTING {WHACK}

  28. Pilgrim1949 says:

    Where’s Eric “My-People” Holder on this one?

    Looks like a CLEAR case of passive-aggressive racism CLEARLY directed against Ozymandias-on-the-Potomac and his Thug Enforcer heading up the Just-Us department.

    Cue up the racial waaaaaaaambulance…

  29. Pilgrim1949 says:

    Where’s Eric “My-People” Holder on this one?

    Looks like a CLEAR case of passive-aggressive racism CLEARLY directed against Ozymandias-on-the-Potomac and his Thug Enforcer heading up the Just-Us department.

    Cue up the racial waaaaaaaambulance…

  30. rex freeway says:

    I know when I have a ripe Watermelon because when I hit it with a large knife it will split almost explosively. Then I take my time carving the red meat away from the bitter rind. When im done, im left with a very edible red meat. And anything left on the rind is what I call a Liberal . It looks like the rest but is very bitter and should be thrown out with the trash or fed to Hogs.

  31. rex freeway says:

    I know when I have a ripe Watermelon because when I hit it with a large knife it will split almost explosively. Then I take my time carving the red meat away from the bitter rind. When im done, im left with a very edible red meat. And anything left on the rind is what I call a Liberal . It looks like the rest but is very bitter and should be thrown out with the trash or fed to Hogs.


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