Global warming guilt is widespread. Even beavers cause the climate to keep fluctuating the way it always has and always will. The problem of beavers causing global warming was caused by global warming:

[R]apid warming in the Arctic has made the tundra more hospitable to the large rodents: Earlier snowmelt, thawing permafrost and a longer growing season have triggered a boom in shrubby plants like alder and willow that beavers need.

University of Alaska ecologist Ken Tape says he has spent his taxpayer-subsidized time counting 11,377 beaver ponds in the Alaskan tundra. Here’s how the four-legged climate criminals oppress the planet:

“We know that beaver dams create warm areas,” Tape explains, “because the water in the ponds they create is deeper and doesn’t freeze all the way to the bottom in the winter.” The warm pond water melts the surrounding permafrost; the thawed ground, in turn, releases long-stored carbon in the form of the greenhouse gases carbon dioxide and methane — contributing to further atmospheric warming.

The original blame for beavers’ transgressions against the climate lies heavily on our own consciences:

[S]ince human combustion of fossil fuels has now pushed atmospheric CO2 levels to 415 ppm and climbing, the spread of shrubs and trees onto today’s warming tundra appears unavoidable — as does the spread of animals that need those plants to survive.

Once, the entire arctic was covered in forest and thrived with animals. That’s why climate kooks work themselves into a state of hysteria about warmer weather in Alaska. Over the centuries—if the beavers aren’t stopped—the state could end up looking like Greenland did 2 million years ago:

Today, it’s a barren Arctic desert, but back then it was a lush landscape of trees and vegetation with an array of animals, even the now extinct mastodon. …

During the region’s warm period, when average temperatures were 20 to 34 degrees Fahrenheit (11 to 19 degrees Celsius) higher than today, the area was filled with an unusual array of plant and animal life…

We certainly can’t have Greenland turning green again. Life on earth would be threatened by all that life. Stern government action against beavers is overdue.

On tips from Lyle and Bluto.

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